Q & A: Sex After Kids

Many times over, married couples are looking for advice on sex after kids.  The reason these questions are asked many times over is because the vast majority of couples plan for children, but none of them know exactly what they’re getting into.  The truth is, marriage before children can seem like nothing more than an extended marital date.  Very few distractions and lots of time for continuing to get to know one another.  Nine months of mental preparation still isn’t enough time to plan for what comes after children.  And sex after kids…well…everything changes.  But does it have to?

A couple of years ago we had this conversation with some friends of ours.  With their children now being in their teenage years, they had some very practical advice that we believe all couples can immediately implement.  While you may already be implementing some of these principles, you may find others extremely beneficial.

Principle #1) Have a lock on your bedroom door!

This seems simple enough doesn’t it?  But you’d be surprised how many homes do not have a lock on the master bedroom door.  It may be because the children don’t have a lock on their door and you want to be an “open” family with no secrets. Please, take this suggestion seriously.  We’ve come to know many people who have told us, “I first learned about sex at around age 5…when I walked in on my parents and asked them what they were doing.”  Do you really want to have that conversation with your child?  We know we don’t.  Lock the door.

Principle #2) Have ALL serious conversations in the bedroom.

This is the main piece of advice we received and we plan to use as our children grow older.  Do you need to talk about one of the kids’ report card?  Talk about it in the bedroom.  Do you need to have a serious conversation about finances?  Talk about it in the bedroom.  Do you need to have a serious conversation about one of the kids’ behavior?  Talk about it in the bedroom.  If you build a tradition of talking about all serious conversations in the bedroom, your children will adapt and will soon understand that “Mom and dad needed to talk about something, so they’re in their bedroom again.”  Once this tradition is in place, you’re free to pop in to the bedroom for a nice romp without the kids having any clue what’s going on.

Principle #3) Keep it simple…and quiet.

Some couples have asked, “What about the noise?  What if we wake up the kids after they’re in bed?”  Well, if you’re enjoying your time together that much – good for you!  Nevertheless, you should know that you can enjoy each other intimately without waking up the kids. Sex doesn’t always need to be loud.  Nevertheless, a few sub-tips on this point are:

a) Have music playing in the kids’ bedrooms.  A little bit of radio noise on their end will make them a little less likely to wake up if you would happen to have a spirited burst of vocal excitement.

b) Have music playing your room. If the children would happen to wake up, apologize for having your music up a little too loud.

c) Go to an area of the house that’s well insulated.  If you’re concerned about being a little too vocal, there is probably a part of your home where sound doesn’t travel nearly as well.  Feel free to schedule special times together outside of your bedroom and down in the basement.  Who knows, it may just become a new form of excitement for you.


Have any other tips on sex after children?  Feel free to let us know in the comments below!

Note: We’ll finish up our series on “Sex Drives” tomorrow.

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