Sex: Over, Under and Around

Sex.  Thinking about it.  Talking about it.  Participating in it.  Whatever it is, sex matters.  Everyone has formed opinions about sex and everyone operates out of those opinions.  Where those opinions come from and how they are formed vary from person to person.  Some acknowledge that their views and opinions may not be appropriate.  Others may believe the entire subject is inappropriate.  But all in all, there are a few specific personality types when it comes to the subject of sex.  These include…

1.  …those who OVER think it.

Sex is not meant to be glorified above other things in life, it is merely a part of life.  Nevertheless, there are some who have extremely high expectations of sex.  They believe that sex isn’t just a part of life, but is the ultimate fulfillment of life.  Unfortunately, when those who over think sex believe it will be something or do something for them that it was never meant to be or do,  it leads to disappointment every time.

Sex is powerful.  When that power is used as God intends, it is beautiful.   But when that power is misused or even abused it is destructive.    Sex will not fulfill all your desires.  Sex will not make you a better person.  Sex will not make your “issues” disappear.  Sex will not offer life fulfillment.  Our culture does an excellent job of setting sex up as the be all end all in life and sadly, too many people fall into this trap.  The result is an over thinking of sex, and an under appreciation of it’s goodness.  Sex becomes a punchline, not a sincere moment of intimacy.  A self-pleasing hobby, not a connection.

2.  …those who UNDER think it.

Failure to understand that sex is more than just a physical release is the epitome of under thinking one of God’s greatest gifts to married couples.  Sex is not dirty.  It is not animalistic, nor is it crude.  Sex is not simply about getting your jollies and personal gratification.  Sex is meant for connection, for vulnerability, for giving and receiving. Denying that you have longings and desires does not make you a more spiritual person.  Recognizing that there are boundaries in which those longings and desires are appropriate to be fulfilled, that is what one must pay attention to.  If you have never really taken time to really think about sex we encourage you to do just that.  Think about the connection.  Think about the oneness.  In fact, take the opportunity to write down five things you love about  your sexual relationship with your spouse.  And then take regular opportunities to not only engage in sex, but to discuss the fruit that it creates within your marriage.

3.  …those who SKIRT AROUND it.

Yes, there are people who would rather just ignore sex altogether.  Some people are afraid of sex because of their own sexual past.  Sometimes it is wrong done to them or sometimes people live with regret about their decisions.  Sometimes the pain surrounding sex keeps people from thinking about, dealing with or healing from the negative opinions they have formed about sex.  This approach doesn’t work either.

Sex is not a topic that can be skirted around.  With our culture pounding the subject into every advertisement, song, and sitcom, it is not a subject that can be ignored.  Teens today are forming their beliefs on sex not only because of what they hear from culture, but also on what they don’t hear from adults.  We need to be clearly communicating God’s purposes for sex to them so that they’re not over thinking sex, or under thinking it believing it brings only shame.

4  …those who UNDERSTAND it.

Sex is Godly.  And while this is quite difficult to explain, the Bible says that marriage (including sex) is a reflection of the relationship Jesus has with the Church.  It is the strongest possible bond between two people.  It connects them in a way that goes far beyond the physical and emotional.  It is a perfect representation of the “one flesh” mentality is in the eyes of God.  Sex isn’t God, but it is from God.  And when couples understand sex as something created by God, given by God, and fully approved by God within the marriage relationship, then sex becomes something that one cannot over think, under think or skirt around.  It becomes a positive reminder of how close, how intimate God’s love is for each of us.  And that’s a reminder worth experiencing often.

To truly understand what sex is takes placing sex in the proper position in your life.  Over thinking it (or making an idol out of it) will lead to disappointment and frustration.  Under thinking it takes for granted that sex adds something to your life.  Though sex is far from the only factor in living a happy and fulfilling life, for those who are married it is meant to bring respite, fun and greater joy to your relationship.  No one should miss out on that.  Finding ways to get around thinking about sex is understandable in many cases but it is not a way to live.  Healing and fulfillment are possible and ignoring the root problems don’t make them go away.

Each of us needs to take time to evaluate how we view sex, how that came to be and what we can do to have a healthier approach.  Are you one who may over think it?  Are you one who may skirt around it?  Or are you one who wants to continually understand it more and more and more?


We confess, we’re slow learners.  When we went through marriage counseling our pastor pretty much said, “You’ll figure it out,” when it came to the subject of sex.  He’s right, we did!  But not immediately.  We had to read, re-read, and re-read certain books again to come to a fuller understanding of sex.  Truth is, we’re still getting there.  And if you’re one who only wants to understand sex more and more and the impact it can have on your marriage, don’t stop here, check out some of these great posts as well:

Hot, Holy, Humorous post titled, “Am I Obsessed With Sex? No. Are You?”

To Love, Honor and Vacuum’s, “29 Days To Great Sex” – take the time to read all 29!

7 thoughts on “Sex: Over, Under and Around

  1. I love your post! I am one who does a crazy mixture of over-thinking and skirting around sex. Not sure how to get my view of it right with everything else that goes on in my life.

  2. Excellent post! I agree wholeheartedly. We don’t want sexual satisfaction to become the thing we’re seeking (an idol), but satisfaction can come from pleasuring and connecting with our spouse in sexual ways. It is part of the whole of marital relationship. Well said.

  3. Pingback: Sex: Understanding « Do Not Disturb

  4. Pingback: Over The Edge: « Do Not Disturb

  5. Excellent post and I think every group of people can take something away from this. I fit into the over thinker group, I have obsessed over it, over the future and gone through phases of doubt, worry, repeated thoughts which don’t ever find a satisfying end, all thanks to my obsession with the penis.

  6. I found this site through links on other sites and really appreciate these sites for what they are trying to accomplish! My question is (Actually is more of a concern) now that I’ve found good Christian conversations about sex and the way God intended it, I find myself wondering if to much information can lead to becoming an Overthinker. I have been married to my wonderful wife for 28 years and until recently she has been a Refuser. Since we’ve started reading these blogs not only has our sex life become amazing…. so has all aspects of our relationship. We have had not only more sex in the last 6 months than all years prior, we’ve had more honest, open conversations as well! I get so much useful,good information from reading blogs such as this , I find myself worrying that if I continue to immerse myself I will reach an overload and maybe become too overwhelming in my actions. The flip side to that worry is if I don’t continue to read these posts and stay immersed things will slip away from us and we will continue in the previous cycle we were accustomed to. I know that prayer and vigilance and trusting God is the key. … but any advise from you or fellow readers would also be appreciated.

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