13 Realities of Married Sex: #4 Sex is Necessary

The following song has very little to do with sex. Nevertheless, the relationship here is unfortunately very characteristic of many marriages in our culture. In fact, just the other day I (Justin) had the opportunity to return something to the store.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: I need to return these.

Clerk: Is there anything wrong with them?

Me: Nope, my wife just prefers something a little different.

Clerk: *being humorous* Oh…those wives!

Me: Yeah, I know.  I love mine to pieces.  She’s fantastic.

Clerk: Wow…that’s great.  That’s not something you hear very much of these days, that’s for sure.

It was obvious she knew of many marriages that were struggling on some level.  And this song shows the current state of how many in our culture view marriage (perhaps even their own):

Our guess is, couples who relate to this well-sung song by “The Civil Wars” don’t just have a struggling marriage relationship, they have a poor sex life, too.  We mentioned before that Sex is Always Changing.  And while sex is always changing, there is one aspect of sex that doesn’t change, it’s necessity.  In fact, take just a few seconds to repeat after us:

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

“What if somebody is sick or injured, are you saying they can’t have a healthy marriage?”  No, we’re not saying that. We’re saying that if a husband and wife are relatively healthy, their marriage, their personalities, their friendships, their parenting, and even their physical and emotional health will all benefit from a thriving sex life.

“Wait just a minute! My husband and I have a great marriage.  We’re best friends. We’re very social with others.  And neither of us have a high sex drive…but we have a healthy marriage.”

That may be so, but there is a difference between being sexually satisfied and being sexually fulfilled.  Our guess is, one person in a marriage such as this continually tells the other they’re satisfied, but out of respect for their spouse isn’t willing to say they’re unfulfilled.

Again, you may disagree.  But we remain very convinced:

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

In fact, we would go as far to say that a sexless marriage (let’s define ‘sexless’ as anything less than consistent weekly sex) is in danger.  Perhaps the marriage itself isn’t in danger, but certain aspects of a healthy marriage are.  These dangers include:

1. Loss of connection. 

A couple needs to connect.  Yes a couple can (and should) have moments of intimacy that lead to greater connection in their friendship, their companionship, and their marriage.  But the connection these moments provide are not holistic in nature.  One moment may help the couple to connect emotionally, and other may help them connect spiritually.  But sex gives the opportunity for a couple to connect holistically on every level.  It glues the couple together, providing security, comfort, and a bond that both men and women need.  To go through married life without regularly experiencing this type of intimate bonding and gluing of man to wife is to cut off a very special form of connection.

2. Loss of exclusivity. 

Sex is only meant to be shared between one man and one women in the context of marriage.  This means that sex is exclusive to marriage.  Not participating in this sacred bond is to not participate in something set apart by God Himself.  Sex has been set apart, by God, specifically for you and your marriage.  It’s a gift.  A gift to be enjoyed, not hidden in a closet.  A gift to be remembered, not forgotten.  A gift to hold onto, not let go of.  Use that gift that was created exclusively for you and your marriage.

3. Loss of passion. 

Passion is largely an emotional state. It is found through affection, enthusiasm and fascination.  Read those words again:




This may be affection toward your spouse’s body, mind and soul. Enthusiasm to please them and to be pleased.  Fascination as to the wonders of your spouse’s curves, smell, or taste.  Sex provides all of these and more.  It provides passion.  Never let your passion be at a loss.


Discuss with your spouse:

1. Do you agree that sex is ‘necessary’ for a healthy marriage?  Why or why not?

2. Do you believe our marriage is experiencing a loss of connection, exclusivity, or passion in any way?

3. Challenge: Think about the difference between being sexually satisfied and sexually fulfilled.  Are you completely fulfilled in your current sex life?  If not, what can I do to help you be completely fulfilled?

4 thoughts on “13 Realities of Married Sex: #4 Sex is Necessary

  1. Very beneficial information. The satisfied vs. fulfilled conversation should be interesting. I look forward to it. Plus, I am now a Civil Wars Fan!

  2. in no way does my wife feel it is necessary. Have struggled through twenty years of marraige with her and her non-existant libido. If I am lucky, once or twice a month for sexual intimacy. she doesnt care what it means to me. I am tired, depressed…

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