13 Realities of Married Sex: #5 Sex is Giving

There are 2 kinds of lovers in this world, selfish ones and selfless ones.  Now, take the opportunity to think: Are you a selfish lover, or are you a selfless one?  A rather cutting question but one that begs to be answered.

Today we want to consider how our approach to sex can fall into either the category of selfish or selfless.  More than anything, we want to convey that sex is meant to be more than just individual gratification.  Learning to give more than you get, learning to think more about your spouse than yourself…these are just a few steps you can take to become a more giving sexual partner…and in the end, have an even BETTER sex life.gift

Here are a few practical ideas about how you can become a more selfless (giving) lover.

1. One of the best ways to become a selfless (giving) lover is to make time for sex.  Life is busy and often times “getting busy” with our spouse can become just one more thing on our ‘to do’ list.  Even if you truly enjoy making room in your schedule for sex, it’s easy to try to rush through or speed it along.  Sex is meant to be savored and enjoyed.  Begrudging the time it takes, scrambling through it or entirely putting it off; these things steal the very restorative nature sex was designed with.  Appreciate, cherish and treasure the gift of married sex by making time for connection.

2. Communication is an incredibly powerful gift when it comes to sexual intimacy in marriage.  In fact, if there is very little or no communication about sex (prior to or during the act) we would argue that your sex life is not functioning as well as it could.  Learning to speak about your hopes, desires and dreams for your sex life could very well impact your marriage as a whole.  Not to mention the fact that if you learn to communicate to your spouse what feels good and turns you on while you are making love!?!  Yes, communication becomes a very practical and amazing gift, indeed.

3. Great sex puts you in vulnerable positions, so learning to lean into that vulnerability is a very giving thing.  Mind you, we are not talking about force, pain or sexual sin.  What we are saying is that sex often forces us to face things about ourselves like nothing else can.  Are you ashamed of how you look? Admit that to your spouse but don’t let it steal your joy.  Lean into that moment of vulnerability and give yourself to your spouse in a way that makes you forget about your appearance.

Do you feel that you are failing at your job?  Focus on accomplishing something great with your spouse, a pleasure that only you can bring.  You just may find that when you admit and lean into your vulnerabilities with your spouse you may discover a new confidence begin to emerge.  Sex (within a properly functioning marriage) has a mysterious power to right wrongs and release us from our deep insecurities.  So, when we become vulnerable emotionally, spiritually and physically with our spouse, we begin the process of turning those vulnerabilities into strengths.

4. Learn to give your sex life mental space. By that we mean, take time to think about sex.  Taking time to consider what turns you on, what turns on your spouse and how you can make sex a priority in your marriage goes a long way to producing enthusiasm and eagerness to connect.  Letting your spouse know that you find them desirable and that you have spent time thinking about what happened last night or what’s going to happen tonight, is the epitome of giving a sexual gift.


Discuss with your spouse:

1. What one thing or hobby are (each of) you willing to limit or “give up” so you can “get more” in the bedroom?

2. How can I communicate to you better both outside and inside the bedroom?

3. How much time do you spend thinking about connecting with one another?  What are 2-3 things you can do this week to help one another think about your next sexual encounter even more?

Linking with: To Love Honor and Vacuum

2 thoughts on “13 Realities of Married Sex: #5 Sex is Giving

  1. Helpful insights, as always. I really like this line, “Sex (within a properly functioning marriage) has a mysterious power to right wrongs and release us from our deep insecurities.” I think this is so true and unfortunately, many don’t ever experience this. I’m so glad you are challenging us in this very important area of married life.

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