Years ago, Megan decided to surprise me by purchasing a ticket for us to ride a special bungee-swing-like ride in a major theme park. The only problem is that I’m afraid of heights. Though this event took place years ago, I remember it very clearly. The slow ascent to the final destination (which was hundreds of feet off the ground!) was not a pleasant experience. But once you’re there, there’s only one way to get down. The employee called out over a loudspeaker, “Are you ready?” And then continued, “3-2-1 PULL!”. Megan pulled the pin. Over the next 1.37365 seconds, we were in a complete free-fall, and I’m pretty sure I was screaming like a little girl. Then we felt the rope catch, and we swung back and forth until we descended to safety. During this event, all 5 senses were fully engaged. And in the end, I did laugh a bit about the experience. But it wasn’t as enjoyable as Megan hoped. It didn’t provide the moment of ecstasy she was going for.
Sex, on the other hand should be a thrilling, tantalizing and exciting experience. And while no marriage experiences those attributes every time they connect physically, it should not be a distant memory or completely foreign idea. So what happens when sex is not ecstasy? When boredom, monotony and familiarity cloud that which you wish was more exciting and fun?
1. Build up the mind.
Great sex begins in the mind. If you have a ho-hum attitude towards sex, your bedroom activities won’t fail to reflect that attitude. Fully understanding that where your mind goes, your body will follow is an important first step. Use the power of your mind, your thoughts and your will to release your sexual confidence. Make an effort to spend time thinking erotic thoughts about your spouse and anticipating how good sex could be. If you find yourself blaming your spouse for being a lousy lover, why don’t you try taking time to teach them to be a great lover. Nobody knows everything about someone else’s body so take time to teach them about yours. It is possible, but it all starts in the mind. (If you are a wife with a low libido, check out Pearl’s OysterBed and join in her challenge to Unlock Your Libido.)
2. Build up the body.
If sex begins in the brain, then getting to know your own body is the next step to better sex. Learning how your body responds to touch, taste, sight, smell and sound is a great starting point to understanding what turns you on. Marriage is the only place where sexual experimentation is encouraged and appropriate…so get to it!
3. Build up the heart.
Sex without connection can never be as good as sex with connection. If sex is not producing much ecstasy then look to the relational aspects of your marriage and sexual relationship. Is sex being withheld because of anger or unforgiveness? Is there bitterness or resentment building up as a result of self-centered living? Are there underlying problems in how you value sex?
Another approach may just be to work on your friendship. Sex or friendship, friendship or sex, which comes first? Truth is, neither one is as good without the other. Working on your friendship may well be a key to unlocking more passionate sex.
Discuss with your spouse:
1. Is there anything I can do this week to help you think sexual thoughts about me throughout the day?
2. Challenge: Do something special with all 5 senses the next time you connect. Don’t tell your spouse what you’re going to do (surely you can think of something sexually arousing to surprise him/her in 5 ways) but let him/her choose the order of the senses. Then mix-and-match those 5 things the next time you connect. Chances are, you’ll discover a new, fun, way to pleasure your spouse!