Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage: #1 Believe

Lucas began his day as he always does.  He woke up.  Showered.  Got dressed.  And then he grabbed a cup of coffee for the road.  But this day started off a bit worse than average.  First, Lucas was pulled over on his way to the office.  Apparently he forgot to mail in that registration form.  Then after arriving at work 20 minutes late, his boss quickly reminds him that the company’s regional director was in town for a visit and he was late for a meeting…a meeting which was never officially scheduled.  Lucas quickly shuffled some papers together and quietly sneaked into the conference room.  During the meeting, he spilled coffee all over his new shirt.  It was a disaster.

By the time lunch came around, Lucas was looking forward to eating in peace.  He turned his computer monitor off.  He turned his phone off.  And he grabbed the lunch his wife handed him on the way out the door.  He dumped the contents out onto his desk and discovered a small envelope.  He opened it up and discovered this note from his wife:

Screen Shot 2013-10-21 at 6.41.36 PMShe had even arranged for child care in the early evening and had included a sketch of the interior of the house with a short map and a first ‘clue’ as to where he could find a ‘treasure’ when he arrived home from work.

Suddenly, nothing else about his day mattered.  Sure, everything had been a train-wreck up until then.  Sure, he had been the laughing stock of everybody else in his department.  Sure, the regional director wasn’t looking to offer him a promotion anytime soon.  But he knew that he and his wife had something special.  Something real.  Something free.  And a simple reminder of this love he shared with his wife ignited a confidence in Lucas in a way nothing else could.


We recently completed a series titled “Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom”.  It was designed to point out specific things that can easily hinder sexual freedom in marriage.  We wrote about topics such as Ego, Personal Interests, Sexual History, Inhibitions and Busyness.  Topics which, by the way, relate to both men and women.

But what about sustaining sexual freedom in marriage?  I mean, sure we can identify and remove the things that may hinder it, but how do we keep it as an ongoing part of the marriage relationship?  This is an excellent question, and one we hope to address here over a series of five posts in this series.  And here in this first post we wish to communicate one very specific point:

In order to sustain sexual freedom in your marriage, you must first believe it’s possible.

Do you believe you can be fully open with your spouse?

     Fully vulnerable?

          Fully naked?

               Fully unashamed?

                    Fully excited?

                         Every time you connect?

That last question is the one that probably causes you to stumble.  You may be thinking, “Well, I can be those things sometimes, but every time?  I’m not sure that’s possible.”  You sure about that?

Here are a couple of things to think about:

1.  If you experience full-on freedom with your spouse just once, you’ll probably *want* to experience it every time.

Years ago a very good friend of mine and I (Justin) talked about our love of different kinds of food.  In our conversation he kind of laughed and said to me, “Every time I have a plate of food in front of me, it’s the first time in my life I get to enjoy THAT plate of food.  And I’m going to do everything in my power to enjoy it.”  It could be leftover pasta from the night before…but it was still the FIRST time he ate that plate of it.

I think a similar illustration can be used for sex.  Every single time you close your bedroom door to connect with your spouse, it’s the first time you will experience sex in the way you’re about to experience it.  Sure, you’ve enjoyed it before.  Sure, you may go to your go-to position.  Sure, the outcome will likely be the same.  But if you go into each and every moment unashamed, vulnerable, excited, and understanding the freedom you have with one another, it’s never, ever, going to get old or stale.  It’ll be so breathtakingly wonderful you’ll look forward to connecting again soon.

2.  Don’t underestimate the power of God in your sex life.

Many people don’t hesitate to pray about finances, parenting, illness, relationships, and so on.  But if sexual intimacy is of any kind of hindrance in your marriage, or if you’re not sure that you’re experiencing freedom on a regular basis, it’s OK to begin praying about it and allowing God to work in your life.  Some specific passage you can meditate on / pray through include:

Song of Songs 7:10
I belong to my love,
and his desire is for me.

Proverbs 5:15-19
15 Drink water from your own well—
share your love only with your wife.
16 Why spill the water of your springs in the streets,
having sex with just anyone?*
17 You should reserve it for yourselves.
Never share it with strangers.
18 Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you.
Rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 She is a loving deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts satisfy you always.
May you always be captivated by her love.

If you really want, just go pick up a Bible and read Song of Songs 4:16-5:1.  You’ll be glad you did.

Many years ago Timothy Keller taught an excellent series on the subject of marriage that became the basis for his book, “The Meaning of Marriage”.  In one of those messages he said, “If everything around you is a mess and in weakness but your marriage is strong, then nothing else matters, you move out into the world in strength.  But if everything around you is strong yet your marriage is a wreck, you move out into the world in weakness.”

It’s our sincere hope that all reading this will be continually moving out into the world in strength.  Bring God into every aspect of your marriage.  Enjoy your spouse physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Be one with them.  Understand and experience what it means to be free with them.  And move out into the world in strength.


This is Part 1 in our series on Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage.  Additional posts in the series can be found at the links below.

Part 1: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom In Marriage #1 – Believe

Part 2: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #2 – Silence Outside Voices

Part 3: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #3 – Bring the Awesomeness

Part 4: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #4 – Understand the Seasons

Part 5: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #5 – Create Opportunities


Feel free to answer one/all of the following questions in the comments below.  Thanks for reading.

  1. What do you (or others you know) find most challenging about the phrase “sexual freedom”?
  2. Do you find it strange to pray about your sex life?  Why or why not?
  3. What scripture passages do you often read through to pray for your spouse / your marriage?

2 thoughts on “Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage: #1 Believe

  1. Great post! And I’d love to answer those questions.

    1. I think that most people find the phrase “sexual freedom” challenging because, traditionally, the Christian church has shunned from freedom in sex and has put a great amount of focus on the rules restricting it. We get so caught up in the “what not to do” and forget that sex is supposed to be enjoyable and fun. We are, as you mention, supposed to be unashamed and totally naked. We are to “know” one another fully. As Christians, that sometimes (for totally unbiblical reasons) feel that there is something innately dirty or sinful about sex. Sex has been perverted by the world and Christian leaders, and that is why we cringe when we think about freedom in sex.

    2. I do not find it strange to pray at all about my sex life and I have done so many times. Sex is something I struggled with in the past, and it affected my husband and our marriage. The conception of both of our children was a troubling and anxiety-ridden time for both of us because I had a hard time getting pregnant but I didn’t want to have sex. Like ever. So I really had to allow God to work in my life to bring it up so I could please my husband. I think every married person should be praying for their sex life AND their marriage.

    3. I love the prayer for the Ephesians:

    “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”

    May God do immeasurably more than any of us asks or imagine in our marriages. Thanks for the great reminders!

  2. First, the story about Lucas is exceptional as it addresses a man’s core issue, his respect by those who mean something to him. In this story, his wife either understood him or inadvertently struck a cord deep within him. Many women feel they can “love” their husband back to health. I am all for agape – love, but it is a learned experience for men (John 13:34 – 35), not an inner chord touching emotion. Men are designed by God to be hero’s. When that is devastated by life, he needs someone to restore his “shield”. In the illustration, Lucas’s wife did just that. After reading the note, he was ready to conquer the world.
    Thank you for your kindness in sending out this email as well as you blog itself!

    Jerry @

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