James: “Well that was pretty amazing.”
Rachel: “Really, you didn’t find it just OK?”
James: “Babe, you’re definitely much more than ‘just OK’ in bed. Trust me, that rocked. I mean, at least it did for me. Was it good for you?”
Rachel: “Fabulous. Just fabulous. I’m not sure when the last time my heart rate got up that high. Except for maybe last night! *Laughs*
James: “Yeah, that was a good time, too. Hey, how about we do something different tomorrow night, but reengage …let’s say, two nights from now?”
Rachel: “Good for me. Whew! It’ll be good to take a breather. Just don’t forget about me.”
James: “Forget? How can I forget?!”
James and Rachel quietly fell into a deep sleep. The next morning before driving to work, James discovered a small envelope taped to the steering wheel of his car. He opened it up and there inside was a hand-drawn sketch of the next position Rachel wanted to experiment with the next time they connect. At the bottom was a small note – “I’m not sure how fulfilling this will be for me, but I think you’ll really like it. If you decide to not wait until tomorrow, I understand.”
James and Rachel did wait until the next day, and by then James had made some minor modifications to Rachel’s sketch. He, too, left a small note, using verbiage they and only they share with one another when the moment is right. On this occasion, the moment was right. Rachel arranged for child care and when James arrived home they enjoyed one another freely, and then stayed awake into the middle of the night, discussing their hopes, fears, and dreams…all the while knowing they were already fulfilling them all.
In this series we’ve been discussing the possibility of not just experiencing, but sustaining sexual freedom in your marriage. In our first post we discussed the need to believe that sexual freedom is possible. In our second we discussed the importance of silencing outside voices. Today we want to discuss something that can be a little more controversial, the art of sexual experimentation.
In fact, a reader recently asked a pretty important question. They noted that blogs such as this one have been a tremendous resource and that their sex life has increased exponentially. However, they also asked a tough question that goes something like this, “How much of this kind of reading can I do before I become too overwhelming in my sexual desire for my spouse? At the same time, how can we keep the current excitement we have going without reverting to a season of much less sexual gratification?”
With questions such as these tied in with the subject of sexual experimentation, there’s a lot to talk about. However, while MUCH could be said, we’re going to keep this post as simplistic as we can.
1. Experiment ONLY in ways you and your spouse agree
Whether you’ve been married one year, five years, or twenty, there’s a possibility that you both have thought of trying something different, but you’ve never discussed it for fear of how your spouse may respond. Maybe it’s a new position to try out. Maybe it’s how you go about having “conversation” while you’re together. Maybe it’s about trying a new element of foreplay, or oral sex.
Whatever it is, maybe you haven’t asked because you know your spouse very well and your fears are based on some pretty good evidence or conversations from the past. If that’s the case and you continue to be sexually fulfilled, perhaps it’s best to not ask about exploring in some new way. However, if you’re not asking because you’re just not sure how they’ll respond, then take the opportunity to ask. If you’re not willing to freely discuss your sexual boundaries with one another, you’re not likely to discover full-fledged sexual freedom anytime soon. Discuss oral sex. (In fact, some other great Christian blog authors have written some pretty poignant posts on the subject. Here’s one. Here’s another.) Discuss various positions to try out together. Discuss everything and ONLY experiment with what you both agree to.
What should you agree to? Well, we won’t get into too many details, but you should only agree to what you both believe are God-honoring acts. We’ve been asked a number of questions about anal sex, pornography, sex toys, among others. As for the first, God didn’t design the human body in this way for human sexuality. As for the second, it’s a terrible industry. And if the husband asks to do something really, really out there, then there’s a chance he’s been peeking at porn on the side and needs some good counseling. As for the third, we don’t want to say that they’re *always* ungodly, as you may one day find a legitimate need. But if you can just use flesh on flesh to please one another, go for it.
In short, openly discuss ways in which you can both agree to touch, kiss, suck, bend, twist, thrust any way you like. You’ll likely find her favorite 1, 2 or 3 positions and he will too. But you may find something new that you can go back to on some special occasions….and maybe even more regularly.
Now you may be thinking, “We don’t even know where to go to get ‘appropriate’ ideas!” Well, this is where the subject can get more controversial. That word ‘appropriate’ can be defined differently, for sure. If you find these recommendations untasteful, forgive us. One, check out the iKamasutra app for iphone, ipad, etc. It’s likely available for Android/Windows Phone as well. Additionally, here are a number of shopping sites recommended by our friends at The Marriage Bed. Just remember to agree on everything you decide to purchase, and then begin playfully experimenting for the benefit of both parties.
2. Be certain to maintain self-control
How can you know if you’re becoming too overwhelming in your desire for one another? Well, chances are your spouse will tell you if you’re coming on a bit too strong. Not only that, but if you discover that more often than not you’re totally into sex solely for your own pleasure and you’re not paying any attention to your spouse, you’re probably not maintaining an appropriate boundary for your sex life. However, if you’re both openly and freely enjoying one another and not pressuring him/her or becoming self-absorbed, no worries. “Eat, friends! Drink, be intoxicated with love!” (Song of Songs 5:1)
3. Bring the awesomeness
We recently watched a short satirical video that had this tagline. Whoever designed it did their job well, because it stuck.
You may be in a position (pun intended) where don’t feel the need to experiment or do anything different. You’re completely and totally sexually satisfied right where you are. That’s great. Keep at it. Connect regularly. Keep bringing the awesomeness and there’s no way you’ll revert to a time when sex doesn’t come freely. Just bring the awesomeness, and like James and Rachel, you’ll be living free and looking forward to whatever comes next.
This is Part 3 in our series on Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage. Additional posts in the series can be found at the links below.
Feel free to answer one/all of the following questions in the comments below, or discuss them with your spouse.
- Why do you think couples shy away from openly discussing how they can better fulfill one another sexually?
- What are 3 ways this series has helped you think about not just experiencing, but sustaining sexual freedom in your marriage?
- Discuss with your spouse: If there’s just one thing I could do this week to “Bring the Awesomeness” in bed, what would it be?