5 Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage: #5 Create Opportunities

It was Saturday morning, and Sarah took the opportunity to sleep in.  But when she woke up she realized that something was different.  The house was quiet.  Too quiet.  What exactly were her husband and their three little ones up to?

She quickly rolled out of bed only to see a small post-it note on the bedroom door.

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 7.59.12 AMSarah almost couldn’t believe it.  First, Jason took the responsibility to take care of the kids and get them to bed so she could enjoy an evening out with friends.  Then he somehow quietly got them up, fed, dressed, and out the door on a Saturday morning so she could sleep in!  She giggled a little as she walked into the kitchen when she saw another note:

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 8.03.29 AMThis was turning out to be too good to be true!  She poured a cup of coffee and began to sip it.  But soon her mind began to wander.  “Did Jason have the grocery list?  Was he going to get everything needed?  Did he get the extra car seat into his car?”  After a few minutes she decided to not think about those things anymore and just enjoy the quiet.   After pouring her second cup of coffee she picked up her phone and began scrolling through her Pinterest account.  And that’s when she saw a third note.  This one stuck onto the back of her phone.

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 8.09.22 AM“That’s strange,” Sarah thought.  “Jason knows I rarely eat breakfast.  What exactly is he up to?”  Strange as it was, Sarah couldn’t hold back her curiosity.  She nearly spilled her coffee as she ran into the kitchen and opened up the oven.  There was a small wrapped package inside, with yet another note.

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 8.20.18 AMSarah honestly didn’t know what to think.  So she didn’t think, she just ripped open the package as fast as she could.  The box wasn’t overly sturdy, but Jason had wrapped the entire thing with duct tape.  “That’s not cool, Jason…not cool at all!” Her shout echoed through the quiet house, so much so that she giggled for getting so wound up.  After 5 minutes of carefully removing all of the tape she finally got the box open.  At first she didn’t see anything in the box.  She checked it again.  And again.  She even took time to see if there was anything stuck to the tape.  After a minute she re-read Jason’s final note. His message was quite clear.  There was nothing in the box.  Nothing.  And she couldn’t wait for him to get home so she could try it on.

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Sexual freedom in marriage isn’t just something that happens.  It’s something that you take opportunities to create.  And re-create.  And re-create again.  If you don’t, it’s the kind of freedom that may be there in one season, and gone the next.  But if you do, it’s something that will last throughout your entire marriage.  It won’t go away in your 40’s.  Or 50’s.  Or 60’s.  It’s something you’ll regularly experience well into your retirement years.  And it will continually get better.  And better.  And better.

Throughout this series we’ve offered a number of ways to sustain sexual freedom in marriage.  In this final post, we’re going to offer a few final thoughts.  How can you sustain sexual freedom in your marriage?  You can regularly create opportunities to experience it.

1. Offer sexual surprises:

Surprises are like people.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  The more you get to know your spouse, the more you will learn the best ways to surprise him/her.  Sure, little post-it notes and packages with nothing in them are one way to offer an occasional surprise.  But there are other things you can do to regularly communicate you’re looking forward to freely expressing your love to your spouse as well.  Some of these ideas include:

  • Offer a sexual tell

You may decide to have a “secret” code to communicate to your spouse that you’re ready to connect.  It could be anything.  Anything at all.  Some couples use a small item that they creatively hide in places they know they’re spouse will find.  For example, a wife may hide a small stuffed animal her husband bought her early on in their marriage.  She’ll “conveniently” leave this in his lunch, car, or cereal box as a way of saying, “I want you…tonight!”  Or a husband may hide an old watch she bought him while they were still dating.  Whenever this secret item shows up, you know to begin thinking about the action that’s going to transpire between the sheets later on.

  • The sexual outfit

Like with the secret item above, maybe you have a secret outfit you can wear to communicate your sexual prowess.  Maybe it’s a tie you wear to work, the same one she wore (with nothing else on!) as you returned home from a late meeting.  Maybe it’s a specific blouse, the one he “accidentally” ripped one of the buttons off of when you sprang into your bedroom for a quickie.  It could be anything, but just like the secret item, it’s a very effective way to communicate.

2. The bedroom of sexual ecstasy:

What’s your bedroom look like?  Now, what does it really look like?  Does it scream, “We sleep here AND we sleep together here?”  Everything about your bedroom decor matters.  A TV mounted on the wall could communicate you’re more interested in Sports Center or LifeTime than connecting with your spouse.  Lighting matters.  Scents matter.  Colors matter.  Dirty clothes matter.  Take opportunities to create a bedroom environment that encourages you to spend more time with one another there.

3. The sexual date night:

Every once in a while you need to create an unforgettable moment for your sex life.  It could be taking an opportunity to do something very different, like hiking deep into the woods and connecting far, far away from civilization.  (Yes, ladies, you can even take a tent.)  Or a planned middle-of-the night encounter in your swimming pool.  Or if you’re up for it, removing the seats from your minivan, or enjoying a bump and grind session in the bed of his pickup truck.  Whatever it is, take at least 2-3 opportunities a year to purposefully plan to sexually connect in such a way that is different from your normal routine.   These are the moments that you and your spouse will remember your whole lives, and if you plan them well, you’ll have lots of fun discussions on what you can do next that will be even better than before.

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This is Part 5 in our series on Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage.  Additional posts in the series can be found at the links below.

Part 1: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom In Marriage #1 – Believe

Part 2: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #2 – Silence Outside Voices

Part 3: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #3 – Bring the Awesomeness

Part 4: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #4 – Understand the Seasons

Part 5: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #5 – Create Opportunities

Feel free to answer one/all of the following questions in the comments below, or discuss them with your spouse.

  1. Do you have a sexual tell (word, phrase, item, outfit, etc.) that you and your spouse use to communicate, “I want you!”?  What is it?
  2. What is the most unforgettable date night you’ve had?
  3. Discuss with your spouse: If we could do just one creative sexual date night this year (outside of our normal routine, vacation), what could we do?

13 Realities of Married Sex: #9 Sex is Ecstasy

Years ago, Megan decided to surprise me by purchasing a ticket for us to ride a special bungee-swing-like ride in a major theme park.  The only problem is that I’m afraid of heights.  Though this event took place years ago, I remember it very clearly.  The slow ascent to the final destination (which was hundreds of feet off the ground!) was not a pleasant experience.  But once you’re there, there’s only one way to getKONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA down.  The employee called out over a loudspeaker, “Are you ready?”  And then continued, “3-2-1 PULL!”.  Megan pulled the pin.  Over the next 1.37365 seconds, we were in a complete free-fall, and I’m pretty sure I was screaming like a little girl.  Then we felt the rope catch, and we swung back and forth until we descended to safety.  During this event, all 5 senses were fully engaged.  And in the end, I did laugh a bit about the experience.  But it wasn’t as enjoyable as Megan hoped.  It didn’t provide the moment of ecstasy she was going for.

Sex, on the other hand should be a thrilling, tantalizing and exciting experience. And while no marriage experiences those attributes every time they connect physically, it should not be a distant memory or completely foreign idea.  So what happens when sex is not ecstasy? When boredom, monotony and familiarity cloud that which you wish was more exciting and fun?

1. Build up the mind.

Great sex begins in the mind. If you have a ho-hum attitude towards sex, your bedroom activities won’t fail to reflect that attitude.  Fully understanding that where your mind goes, your body will follow is an important first step.  Use the power of your mind, your thoughts and your will to release your sexual confidence.  Make an effort to spend time thinking erotic thoughts about your spouse and anticipating how good sex could be. If you find yourself blaming your spouse for being a lousy lover, why don’t you try taking time to teach them to be a great lover.  Nobody knows everything about someone else’s body so take time to teach them about yours.  It is possible, but it all starts in the mind.  (If you are a wife with a low libido, check out Pearl’s OysterBed and join in her challenge to Unlock Your Libido.)

2. Build up the body.

If sex begins in the brain, then getting to know your own body is the next step to better sex.  Learning how your body responds to touch, taste, sight, smell and sound is a great starting point to understanding what turns you on. Marriage is the only place where sexual experimentation is encouraged and appropriate…so get to it!

3. Build up the heart.

Sex without connection can never be as good as sex with connection.  If sex is not producing much ecstasy then look to the relational aspects of your marriage and sexual relationship.  Is sex being withheld because of anger or unforgiveness? Is there bitterness or resentment building up as a result of self-centered living? Are there underlying problems in how you value sex?

Another approach may just be to work on your friendship. Sex or friendship, friendship or sex, which comes first? Truth is, neither one is as good without the other. Working on your friendship may well be a key to unlocking more passionate sex.

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Discuss with your spouse:

1. Is there anything I can do this week to help you think sexual thoughts about me throughout the day?

2. Challenge: Do something special with all 5 senses the next time you connect.  Don’t tell your spouse what you’re going to do (surely you can think of something sexually arousing to surprise him/her in 5 ways) but let him/her choose the order of the senses.  Then mix-and-match those 5 things the next time you connect.  Chances are, you’ll discover a new, fun, way to pleasure your spouse!

Marriage Challenge: Sexual Nostalgia

Nostalgia:  Fond memories.  Reminiscences of days gone by.  Longing to return to a specific time or event.  Each person has moments in which nostalgic memories are triggered.  It could be from a scent, a sound, a touch or an experience. Times when our senses are heightened and our thoughts linger.  Today’s marriage challenge is to use this to your advantage concerning your sexual relationship.

Great sex, by it’s very nature, will keep you coming back time and again.  The release of oxytocin (“bonding” or “trust” chemical) during intercourse and orgasm, helps create a deep sense of attachment and intimacy. Beyond that however, if you attach your memories to specific sexual experiences it can be a big libido booster.

Creating what we are calling sexual nostalgia, is really quite simple.  When you make love introduce a different or new variable.  This could be a different room, a specific song/cd, a new position or a certain fragrance.  Then, anytime you see, hear, smell, etc.that variable,  use memory recall to bring to mind the intimacy you shared during that special time together.  If you choose the couch as a place to connect your bodies, allow your mind to recall how special your time spend together in that place was.  If you use a fragrance specifically for an intimate rendezvous, use that scent to trigger sexual thoughts towards your spouse. Etc., etc., etc.

Use your biggest sexual organ to your advantage.  Your brain and all the memories it contains can help orchestrate excitement and sexual pleasure and can help build greater interest in sex with your spouse.

What variables can you add to your sexual repertoire that may lead to sexual nostalgia days, weeks, month or even years down the road?  Take the challenge and build up a memory full of sex positive encounters with the love of your life!

Sex Positive Voices: Part II

I (Justin) have read many of the same marriage blogs and books that Megan reads.  And after reading through some of these sex positive voices posts I could only think, “Why is it that only women can write their top 10 list as to why they choose to have a sex positive voice?  Is this not an area men can freely and openly speak out on as well?”  So I wanted to offer my reply and share ten reasons why I, too openly talk about sex within the marriage relationship.

1. Sex is way better than the entertainment industry makes it out to be.  I mean seriously, the music and entertainment business thrives year after year on the “sex sells” mantra.  And they’re right, it does sell.  A lot.  Prior to marriage, I was immersed in this culture as any high-school and college student of the day could be.  But I now know that while sex does sell, the sales aspect of sex advocates only that of a physical release.  There’s a spiritual and emotional aspect of sex that is just as deep for men as it is for women.  Sure, sex does bring a physical release.  But the emotional and spiritual side of sex makes it far more glorious than a degraded woman in an advertisement could ever make it sound.

2. Sex helps bring me back to reality.  I work pretty hard throughout the day and my mind is often pulled in dozens of different directions.  I’ve got people to contact, volunteer schedules to fill, and weekly deadlines that can’t ever be postponed — as we say in the pastor’s world, “Sunday’s comin’.”  So, I sometimes find myself working from home, or just trying to escape the realities of life.  But sex isn’t an escape.  It brings me back to the reality of knowing I have a loving, faithful wife.  A wife who helps me see the demands of reality, but acknowledge that those demands are not nearly as important as we are to one another.

3. Sex helps me sleep.  This is a common physiological response in men more often than in women, but when feeling emotionally wired and unable to rest, sex helps to not only bring me back to reality, but to relax and know that tomorrow is a new day, and that this day will go out on high note.

4. Sex brings children.  Don’t get me wrong, sex is good.  Real good.  But for those who have children, having sex with the intent of having children is different.  You’re bringing two bodies together with the sole purpose of bringing new life into the world.  Connecting in this way can only be described as magical.  As mentioned above, this is far from physical.  It’s truly an emotional and spiritual moment that cannot be described in words.

5. Sex reminds me that life isn’t all about me.  Megan mentioned this on her list as well, but I must agree with it.  As a husband, I’m going to pleased in the bedroom.  So my primary desire  isn’t all about me, but about whether or not I can please my wife as well.  To be honest, I’m thrilled to know I have a wife who doesn’t “fake it”.  Knowing that I have the ability to serve my wife in that way makes the experience much better than if I were in it only for my own satisfaction.

6. Sex is better than any book on marriage/intimacy.  I’ve read numerous books on marriage and sex.  The “this formula will improve your marriage”.  The “try new positions”.  The “forgive yourself for your past.”  And truth be told, I’ll continue reading more on the subject as well.  But there’s something about the act of sex itself that just can’t be written down in words.  At the end of the day, the formulas may or may not work.  The communication could be better. But sex provides something that no poet, screenwriter, or storyteller could ever communicate.

7. Sex is better than video games.  OK, there…I said it.  I still play video games.  Not like some other guys do, but on occasion I’ll still pick up a controller and take on the bad guys.  Those who play video games know that there’s often a pattern.  It’s not necessarily what needs to be done, as the objectives are clear.  The programmers have written in some kind of “this is how it has to be done” formula”.  Once you’ve figured it out, you’ll get through that level.  Well, in an appropriate marriage relationship, sex has no step-by-step pattern.  In fact, it changes every time.  Sure, there is one primary objective, but how you get there will change.  So I’m constantly able to study my wife, and always respond differently depending on the circumstances.  And unlike a video game, I’ve never gotten killed in the process.

8. Sex is better than sports.  I know, I know…two “sex is better than ______” points in a row.  But hey, it’s true, sex is better than sports.  As a football and hockey fan, you’re constantly waiting for your team to score, but you never know if they will or not.  Well in a great marriage, you know you’re going to score.  And it’s kind of fun to think about how high a score you can run up.

9. Sex reminds me of vacation.  Ever have that perfect vacation?  I have.  For me, vacation isn’t run-run-run, it’s rest-rest-rest.  A while back I had the best vacation I’ve had in years, a trip to a secluded beach.  Every family at this location was able to have their own private beach area 50 yards or more away from anybody else. It was fantastic.  It was restful.  It was sexy.  Sexy?  Yeah, sexy.  Megan and I got a lot of “personal time” on vacation and even though we were there as a family, it was a great week for our marriage.  As I mentioned above, sex is a great reminder of what’s important – my wife and my family.  Just as a good vacation brings us closer together, sex does the same.

10. Sex is a reminder of the gospel.  People may think this is strange, and to be honest, it kind of sounds strange.  But in Ephesians 5 Paul likens the marriage relationship to that of the relationship between Jesus and His church.  Is there any closer a husband and wife can be than during sexual intercourse?  No, there’s not.  So, sex is the ultimate reminder of how much God loves us, and how wonderful it is to be in that kind of relationship with Him.  And I believe having that reminder more often than not is best.

“Go-to” Sex Positions:

After we wrote our post about Sex Positions and Intimacy we received a few comments, emails, and a little to our surprise – lots of google hits.  Apparently people google a good bit looking for sex positions.  With all of these things in mind, we wanted to follow-up further.

Trying out different positions in intimacy is a great deal of fun and it may bring more, intense, or longer moments of intimacy.  Trying different positions is also great for those who have various physical injuries or illnesses.  For those looking for what you may deem “appropriate” resources to look for new sex positions, we recommend the following.

1) If you have an android or windows mobile phone – the ikamasutra app is the best solution.  The images are sketches, not real individuals.  The app used to be available on iOS and after some fun email dialogs with the developer, we’ve learned that an angry parent sent an email to Apple CEO Tim Cook, and he had the app removed.  So if you’re looking for the app on iOS (which had 14 million downloads, by the way), your best step is to send Tim Cook a personal email asking for it to be reinstated.  We did.  And yours may prove helpful as well.

2. Outside of ikamasutra, find resources that include sketches, but not images of real people.  Once, when making this recommendation during a Do Not Disturb small group study (great title for a small group study, don’t you think?), we received some push back.  One couple in particular didn’t understand why looking at images or videos of real people showing how to get into various positions could be harmful.  We wholeheartedly stand by our original conclusion.  Most people CAN look at sketches without lusting after somebody other than their spouse.  That said, most people CANNOT look at real people lying naked without having inappropriate thoughts.  If you’re one of those people who believe you can, good for you.  But as for us, we stay away from sexually alluring images at all costs.  Our spouse is the only person our eyes need to see naked.  No others.

But with this information out of the way, the real question becomes: Are various sex positions really necessary?  Why not just stick with your “go-to” positions and enjoy one another?  This is an extremely valid point.  Therefore, we wanted to write a little bit about three benefits of  having “go-to” sex positions:

1) Comfort

Your go-to position(s) have become your go-to position(s) for a number of reasons.  They provide both physical and emotional comfort.  These positions may provide such wonderful face to face intimacy or such sensual caresses that one or both partners prefer to connect in that same way regularly. Choosing to approach sex in a similar way each time does not mean sex will feel boring or mundane.  It simply affirms that there is in fact a great deal of satisfaction and no need to change anything.  Not only that, but keeping the go-to positions doesn’t mean it’s always the same.  Where and when you put your finger, hands, and mouth won’t necessarily be the same for every sexual encounter.  There’s nothing at all wrong with enjoying the comfort of the same positions over and over again.

Caution: While most couples have positions that satisfy their every desire for sex, times of intimacy are not meant to be mundane or routine.  Without a doubt the mindset behind each sexual encounter is more fundamentally important that adventurous positions. However, mixing it up on occasion can open both your mind and your body to further satisfaction.  Trying new things may overwhelm you with a sense of newness, intrigue and/or excitement that can benefit your sex life and your marriage as a whole.  What we’re saying is this: Enjoy the comfort of your go-to positions…but also enjoy the freedom to express your oneness in new ways.  There is no right or wrong, just satisfaction.

2) It produces the intended result, orgasm.

When a position provides just the right amount of stimulation in just the right places it is likely to become a favorite for both husband and wife.  Because orgasm feels so incredible and is such a powerful connection during intercourse, finding a position that regularly produces that effect is likely to become a staple in the bedroom.

Caution: Orgasm is not the only goal (or even primary goal) of every sexual experience you have with your spouse.  Sex is not designed to be a mere meeting of physical urges.  Sex is meant to be an intimate connection between a husband and wife in which they can be naked and unashamed.  They can enjoy a physical oneness of body, mind, soul and spirit.  They can laugh, cry, give and receive in the most intimate of ways possible.  Sex is not simply about orgasm, it is about unity, or “soulgasm”.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to experience orgasm every time you have sex.  So enjoy your favorite positions and enjoy climaxing.  But don’t rob your spouse of trying something new that may ultimately bring them to a deeper love for you and your body.

3) You know what to expect

One additional benefit to sticking with your go-to positions is that you both know what to expect.  Most people live by routine.  They shower the same way every day.  Drive the same route to work.  It makes sense that through the years you end up having sex in the same positions.  You know what to expect…and as we said above, there is some comfort in that.  This is completely OK.  It’s good to know that when you lock your bedroom door you know exactly how to please your spouse and they know exactly how to please you.  To know that you’re both going to walk away from this experience getting exactly what you were craving.  So enjoy your go-to positions, and go for just that.

Caution: Routines in life can be as dangerous as they are helpful.  Many people often mix-up their morning routine and change their driving pattern so that their life doesn’t feel too routine.  They want life to be about the experiences and they purposefully choose to live each day a little differently so they can best experience life.  If you have a spouse with this type of personality, varying positions in the bedroom will be something they constantly crave.  So, stick with your go-to positions all you want, but if they want to always altar things around and live for the experience, then be sure to occasionally provide them an experience that will keep them coming back for more.

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What other benefits do you see in keeping go-to positions?  What cautions, if any would you offer?

Sex and Chocolate:

A recent study indicated that 52% percent of women said they would choose chocolate over sex.  While there is certainly a lot of creativity that goes into the process of enjoying the dark, sweet goodness of chocolate, we’re not so sure  it’s fair to compare chocolate with sex.  So, today, rather than offering a choice between sex or chocolate we thought we would share a way to enjoy both.

Including your sense of taste into your times of intimacy can certainly be fun.  Whether it’s a bottle of Hersey’s or some chocolate body paint, you may discover that sex can satisfy more than one of your palettes.  One of the fun facts of this type of foreplay is that it all happens naked. It’s not too complex, just strip your spouse naked and then allow their body to be your artistic canvas.  Use your fingers to swirl the chocolate into their flesh and let them enjoy the massaging feeling it provides.  You can even be sure to brush just a little bit onto the areas of their body that will cause severe erotic jubilation.  And once you’re finished, be sure to give them the pleasure to use your body as a canvas as well. When you’re finished, your sticky bodies pressed against one another will be the perfect reminder that chocolate is really, really good, but gourmet sex with your spouse is even better.

But what about those who can’t each chocolate?  Well, we’re pretty sure you can think of something to sweeten or spice up your taste buds during sex with your spouse.  Still, one suggestion we would like to offer is to have a sexual box of chocolates.  Simply take the opportunity to empty out a box of chocolates and fill those spaces with notes that depict different sexual acts that you each feel comfortable with. If you want to go the extra mile, you could even wrap them up in small pieces of tissue paper so you could unwrap them every time you wish to go “gourmet”.  Keep the box hidden most of the time, but one of you should break it out every few weeks (or days?) and leave it in a place where your spouse will discover it.  Doing so in the morning will give each of you the entire day to emotionally prepare for great sex that evening.

To coin a phrase from Forrest Gump; “Life is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what your gonna get.”  Why not add a bit of fun (or food) to your bedroom and see just what you may come up with. You may not know exactly what you’re gonna get.  But you do know you’re going to get something good.

All About Boobies:

It was a quiet evening around the dinner table when a conversation began on the subject of coffee.  Should we move to becoming a “Fair Trade” only household or not?  In that moment I (Justin) grabbed a calculator and proceeded to run some numbers comparable to 3rd grade math.  Don’t laugh, you know you’ve done it, too.  The decision was made: our next coffee purchase will be from a “Fair Trade Only” supplier.

After the conversation, I started showing my daughters how you can write words on a calculator.  I typed in 0.1134 and turned the calculator upside down.  Our girls giggled that they could read “hello” on the calculator.  This went on for a few minutes.  Then, just for fun, I typed in 5318008 and showed it to Megan.  “Boobies,” she said with a smile.  “We should write a blog post about boobies.”  Since yesterday’s post wasn’t nearly as practical or fun as our normal posts, I figured today should be the day.

What men need to know about breasts:

1. They’re attached!

Men, I know you probably get a kick out of your wife’s body.  It’s OK…you should get a kick out of her!  You ought to love every single square inch of her body and within the marriage relationship, her body is completely yours to enjoy (as is yours for her pleasure).  And I realize that breasts are fascinating.  Touch them or press them in any way and they always comes back to their original shape!  Touch them in just the right way at just the right time, and she will melt in a state of sexual ecstasy.  They’re great!  They’re wonderful!  But they’re also attached!  While they may not look like they would include pain receptors, they certainly do.  Never tug (or dare I say, suck) on the breasts too hard.  Treat her breasts the same way you would want her to treat your penis.  With respect.  Soft, gentle, massaging respect.

2) They’re not the first place you should go!

When making love, rounding the bases may not always seem necessary to you.  You may be thinking, “Lips?  What are those?”  My guess is you probably go straight for the breasts, or maybe you even skip that step altogether!  If you’re wanting to make your sexual experience with your wife better, let HER give you the OK as to where to travel next on her body.  If she wants some lip service, then by all means, don’t reach up and grab her breasts.  If she wants yours hands rubbing her back, don’t bring them around to the front.  But give HER the option to decide how your sexual encounter will go.  But don’t worry, once she gets her satisfaction, she’ll be ready to please you as well.

3) They get jealous of each other!

When having sex, you may be tempted to go after one breast or the other.  Don’t do this.  She (and her breasts) like variety.  Spend all your time and attention on one side and the other may get a bit jealous.  Spend too much time with the breasts, and other parts of her body may get jealous.  Mix things up.  Remember, it’s her pleasure you’re going for.

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Ladies, have another tip you need men to know about boobies?  Let them know in the comments below!

“Because You Can” Sex

A few years ago the Northeastern United States had a pretty bad winter.  Snow continued to fall in several major cities and as soon as it was plowed away and began to melt, more snow came.  About nine months later I remember seeing a headline in the news.  I can’t remember exactly what the headline was, but it was something to the effect of, “Hospitals Overwhelmed with Baby Deliveries”.  Apparently, the winter weather was enough to drive many married couples to think, “Well, there isn’t anything else to do…you wanna have sex?”

Why is it that married couples are so often looking for a reason to connect intimately?  Why is it that it sometimes takes weddings, funerals and terrible winters to drive people into the bedroom?  Do you not find it sad that the national media basically proclaims, “People Have Sex When They’re Stuck At Home, But The Majority Live Life As If There’s Usually Something Better To Do.”

Nothing on earth compares to the experience of sex.  That’s the way it is meant to be.  So the question remains, why does there need to be a reason to enjoy the greatest of all things?  Final answer: there doesn’t.

Men: You married an amazing woman.  A woman who is beautiful, supportive, and *insert your own adjectives here*.  You also married a woman that only you know how to fully please.  Only you can learn what buttons to push and how to push them in such a way that it brings her to absolute ecstasy.  I (Justin) know some of the thoughts you have.  I, too, enjoy a good video game, sporting event, or other things now and again.  But here’s the thing, all other events in life may give you a small high every now and then, but that high will fade away.  Your team may win the championship.  You may discover the perfect wings.  But reality will settle in once again, and you’ll be left looking for the next big thing.

Sex, however, can be the one constant.  Every time you play, you win. You can master an xbox controller or you can master your wife’s breasts.  You can be a grill master or a sex master.  You can enjoy an action movie, or you can be your wife’s hero.  Don’t wait for a reason to enjoy sex with your wife, become the master of her body now.  Enjoy sex as much as you like…because you can.

Women: Sex isn’t just for your man, you can to enjoy it too!  There are a lot of ways to learn about your body, train yourself to feel pleasurable sensations and focus your mind on sexual intimacy.  Those are important and will help you understand the beauty and depth of physical intimacy.  It is important and very valid that most women need to time to heat up and turn on.  On the other hand, there is much to be said about being pursued by your husband and giving yourself over to the fun of marital relations.  Making the choice to go with it, to give yourself completely to the moment.  Be enthusiastic, be willing and every once-in-a-while surprise him by taking the initiative.

Sex is never just a physical act.  There are always emotional, mental and spiritual things at work in our marriages.  But we won’t ever have sex if we have to have everything figured out, everything in order and perfect circumstances.  Instead, we should simply enjoy sex…because we can.

Valentine’s Day: Going All In

Earlier this week we published our first post in a series we’ve dedicated to Valentine’s Day.  And throughout the week we’re going to be providing some tips and tricks to make this year’s Valentine’s day one of the best you’ve ever experienced…in bed.  As of this writing, you have less than two weeks to be getting ready.

While our last post was specific to items you can (or should) purchase to make Valentine’s Day a “Going All Out” affair, today we’d like to offer a suggestion about the physical act of intimacy itself. Are you ready for it?

Plan to try a new position:

Yes, it’s true that most couples have their favorite 1, 2, or maybe 3 positions that are their regular “go-to’s” in bed. But a great deal of fun can be had trying something new.  While there are books or cards that can be purchased in this regard, if you own a smartphone or other i-device we’d like to recommend saving your money and instead consider spending just $1.  Yup, one dollar will get you a description of 110 different sexual positions with tasteful images and a clear description as to how to get into the position (if you can’t figure that out for yourself).  The app is ikamasutra.  And while there are others out there, this one is well worth the dollar.

Ideas to please Her:

Believe it or not, after all these years, scientists have determined there is no “G-Spot” for women. (Yes, many women disagree with this!)  Whether the scientists are correct or not, women ought to know what it takes to be pleased.  While many positions will explain that you will find the G-Spot, don’t expect it to happen in all of them.  Nevertheless, women can find a new position that will provide them with a heightened sense of expectations of what’s to come.

First, before attempting a new position, please her with some external stimulation. A nice massage or other stimulation will help her to relax and keep her mind on the task at hand.  Additional external stimulation of the breasts or clitoris may help as well, if this is her preference.

Next, find a new position or two that provides her with full control.  There are a number of “women on top” positions that will give her full access to be in control of all movement.  She sets the pace.  She controls the depth of penetration.  She knows what feels good and she stays in full control to keep herself building toward climax.  While it’s most likely she already knows what she likes, trying out a few new positions may help her to discover something even better.

Ideas to please Him:

Remember our posts on the 5 senses?  Men, in general, have specific preferences to the sense of sight and touch.  Therefore, we would recommend trying out a few positions that offer the husband a full view of the wife’s body. There are a number of these to attempt, and the goal here isn’t necessarily to bring him to climax.  It’s a fun, extended time of intercourse, with the goal of enjoying one another as much as you possibly can.  Allow the husband to see and have full access to touch as much of her beauty as possible.  And remember, if she begins the evening wearing something special, he will have an even greater desire to see everything underneath it as the evening goes on.

Regarding the grand finale, men often become extra excited in positions that provide deep penetration.  Therefore, work to discover a final position that will continue to provide her with a great deal of comfort, but will also leave him gasping for air.

Don’t allow your special evening together to finish there.  Continue to lie in bed together.  Discuss what positions worked well for at least one of you and what ones you may never want to revisit.  Also discuss what you’d like to try the next time you connect.  Who knows, the longer the conversation continues, the sooner you’ll be ready to get back to it.

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Have another Valentine’s day tip you’d like to share?  Let us know in the comments below!

Linking up with: WLW and WW

Valentine’s Day: Going All Out

Here on the Do Not Disturb blog we’re all about Valentine’s day. And throughout the week we’re going to be providing some tips and tricks to make this year’s Valentine’s day one of the best you’ve ever experienced…in bed.  As of this writing, you have one to two weeks to be getting ready, so here are some ideas to help you plan for it.

1) Order some special items for Valentine’s day now

Sure, flowers are always a hit with the women. But what if you bought her something a little different this year? Or ladies, what if you surprised him with something he never expected?

When it comes to these kinds of subjects, many married couples aren’t sure what to purchase. And let’s face it, walking into an adult bookstore may not be up your alley either. Are there “good” places to order special items? And what kinds of “special” items should you look for?

A good referral website for this subject is The Marriage Bed. They have links to many online retailers who are sure to use appropriate packaging with tasteful images.

There are a number of books to help you plan out your date night, or get ideas for future ones.  Plenty of gels or lotions that may be used during foreplay, or sex itself.  And if you’re up for it, some other items designed specifically for oral delights.  Additional items from these retailers may or may not be your cup of tea, but we’re certain you can find something that will enhance your sexual experience with the love of your life.

2) Wear something sexy

Men, let’s be honest..there’s only so much you can do when it comes to wearing something sexy. Don’t get us wrong, it can be done.  But chances are, you probably have a favorite shirt or other “look” that you’re spouse will approve of without needing an extra shopping trip.

Ladies, on the other hand, have numerous options that very well may cause their husbands mouths to drop open.  Think about it, how much money have you spent eating out the past couple of months?  How much have you spent on cable, or other meaningless entertainment?  You owe it to yourself and your marriage to spend a little bit on your sex lives every once in a while.  Find something sexy.  Knock his socks off.  Make him drool over you like he did on your wedding night.  You know you can’t wait for him to see you in something sexy and he knows that seeing you in it is only the beginning of the wild time you’re going to have together.

3) Plan for after sex, sex

This is, after all, up to you. I mean let’s face it, once you’ve both attained climax you may be ready to relax for a bit. But every once in a while, “Going All Out” really means going all out. Wait 30-60 minutes and then start another make-out session. Bust out another massage lotion and see what happens.  Chances are, with plenty of kisses, caresses, and touches in just the right place, you both may discover you’re ready for another round. Go for it. Just like your honeymoon, you may discover you’re physically and mentally capable of some serious sex.  Only now you have years of experience, and you should use that experience to your advantage.

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Have another Valentine’s Day idea you’d like to suggest?  Feel free to let us know in the comments below!

PS: Thanks so much for your continued questions and encouragement! We appreciate it more than you know.  Please consider helping us out by sharing links to the blog with your married friends.  Thanks again!