The Great Divide in Sex Initiation: How To Initiate

In our last post we mentioned several reasons why someone may not initiate sex.  These reasons range from simple nervousness and feeling they are doing it wrong to more serious issues that need addressed.  Today we will look at a few ideas that can spark the mind of a person who simply feels awkward or hesitant to initiate sex.
Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Consider your spouses desires. When you initiate sex the goal is that your spouse actually responds.  However, oftentimes the tendency is to approach your spouse the way you would want them to approach and initiate with you.  This is not always the best plan.  Take time to consider what it takes to help your spouse respond and then initiate with that in mind.  Perhaps they like some romance, kind words, or a gentle touch.  Maybe they prefer stronger sexual advances and a bit of a sneak peek.  Maybe showing up naked is the best way to get your spouse to respond.  The only way to know what will work for your spouse is to talk about it with them and then try it out.  A gentle reminder though, what works one day may not be the only approach you will ever need.  Vary the way you initiate from time to time and keep the good times coming.

2. Get the mind going early in the day.  We wrote awhile back about how sex really begins outside the bedroom. This can be true when it come to initiation as well.  Giving your spouse an idea that at the end of the day you would like to connect and enjoy their sexual pleasures can help them mentally prepare for the night ahead.  This is particularly important if your spouse tends to plan ahead or just has a very busy schedule.  A simple text message, phone call or note could pave the way for a spectacular night together.

3. Use code words or props.  Add an element of fun to your love life by having a few select words that signal your spouse that you would like to join your bodies together as one at some point during the day.  Or maybe you could let your spouse know you are in the mood by lighting a specific candle that lets them know your flames are burning for them.  It’s even possible for you to have the audacity to include a racy love note or certain undergarment in a place where they are sure not to miss it.  Whatever you can think of that not only let’s your spouse know you desire them but is also flirtatious and fun at the same time.  Nothing wrong with that.

4. Scheduling, planning or expecting sex at certain times is a form of initiation.  Some couples may not need to include any initiation. They’re ‘in the habit’ of knowing one another in such a way that they just seem to know it’s time to have sex.  Some may argue that this is a goal to work toward within marriage.  But while it may be good to always be on the same page, a surprise sexual initiation at an unexpected time or in an unexpected way can still create fireworks and improve upon your sex life even more.

5. Get help. It seems that ‘counseling’ has become a dirty-word in today’s day and age. Sadly, some individuals may initiate sex over and over and continually be turned down. Instead of constantly dealing with rejection and finding ways to suppress your sexual desires, we recommend getting council. Sex is supposed to be part of the marriage relationship. If you’re being rejected over and over again, do everything in your power to get the help your marriage needs. Fulfilling your sexual desires with vibrators, masturbation, or pornography will only fulfill your physical desires.  But a good marriage has strong emotional and spiritual desires fulfilled through sex as well. So if necessary, get help. In the end, your spouse and your sex life will be glad you did.


Have another tip for initiating sex?  Let us know in the comments below.


Linking with: To Love Honor and Vacuum, Women Living Well

The Great Divide in Sex Initiation: Why won’t they initiate?

Have you ever seen an episode of The Cosby Show?  Though we have many different favorite moments, one that we have always found amusing came from an episode where Cliff takes Claire on a kid free romantic getaway.  After they have a leisurely dinner and return to their room they’re both anticipating what comes next.  Bow-chicka-bow-wow….they know they’re alone, no kids to interrupt, no dishes to wash no work phone calls, just the two of them.  Claire spends time getting ready and when she returns from freshening up, Cliff is “napping” on the bed.  Although a bit disappointed by her sleeping husband, Claire continues undeterred to enjoy their evening.  This is when Cliff says these wonderfully romantic and chivalrous words, “Let’s get it on.”  Claire is not impressed and is rather put off by these words.

We give Cliff a little bit of credit.  After all, he did initiate sex, albeit in the opposite way Claire was hoping.  That said, some rarely, if ever initiate sex.  This leaves the spouse wondering, “Why won’t he/she initiate sex?  Why am I always the one to do so?”

Here are some reasons a spouse may not initiate sex:

1. Track record of refusal.  When a spouse is refused time and time again it’s common for them to just stop asking.  Refusal of sexual advances is often a deeply hurtful, humiliating and distressing experience.  Regular sexual connection is important in marriage, therefore, when sex is regularly refused the marriage will likely suffer, and the one who was refused will be less likely to initiate in the future.

2. Sexual dysfunction or lack of pleasure during sex.  If a spouse does not feel that they are able to perform sexually then there is often little desire to initiate.  This could be a man who suffers from erectile dysfunction or it could be a woman who rarely or never experiences orgasms or sexual pleasure.

3. Specific sexual desires or needs are unmet.  Sadly, many people receive a great deal of education about how sex “should” take place from movies, music, romance novels and other forms of cultural entertainment.  However, these resources rarely provide helpful information that relates to real life.  Still, some may have very specific desires for their sexual relationship.  Perhaps they want more romance.  Perhaps they’re ready at the drop of a hat.  Whatever it is, they’ve come to learn that their spouses needs/desires are much different than theirs.  Knowing their desires will never fully be realized, they may not initiate sex very often, and may stop initiating altogether.

4. Sexual needs are being met elsewhere.  As much as we hate to say it, if your spouse never initiates sex or has drastically changed the frequency of initiation it could be that they are fulfilling their sexual needs somewhere else.  Whether through porn use or regular masturbation, if your spouse does not initiate you may need to find out if this could be a cause.

5. Distrust in the relationship.  Great sex takes both physical and emotional nakedness.  When trust has been broken or there’s unresolved conflict, the desire for sex will significantly decrease.  A spouse may not initiate if they do not feel safe (emotionally or physically) in the marriage.

6. Fear of doing it wrong.  This is much more simplistic than the other topics we have mentioned but many people feel shy about how to tell their spouse that they would like to have sex.  It is entirely possible that your spouse wants sex but want you to initiate every time because they feel uncomfortable or awkward when they do.

We’re quite certain these are only a handful of reasons as to why one spouse would not initiate sex.  Soon, we’ll post a follow-up giving some specific advice in how to initiate sex, as well as some suggestions for how you can discuss this subject with your spouse so that you may both initiate sex more equally.  Until then…


What are some other reasons one spouse may choose not to initiate sex?  What harm can happen in a marriage relationship when one spouse rarely/never initiates sex?

And for those who are interested, here are Cliff and Claire in action!


Linking with: Women Living Well; To Love Honor and Vacuum