The Pain of Past Sexual Thoughts: Sexual Encounters of the Mind

Today, Megan shares a personal story on past dream-state sexual encounters.  This story is shared in order to help others recognize that the vast majority of sexually explicit material may cause uncontrollable damage.

I was a college student the first time it happened.  A virgin, a clean sexual slate.  I had never viewed porn or read any erotic novels.  But there I was feeling violated, dirty, scared, confused.  “What is happening to me?  What is wrong with me?  How can I stop this?”  I was having sexually erotic dreams.  Nightmares really.  Some of the nightmares were of being raped.  Some included me being promiscuous.  None of them left me feeling sexy or turned on.  I felt defeated and discouraged.  I went to bed in fear, never knowing how to truly prevent my subconscious from going down a path I didn’t want to follow.

I recognized it was a spiritual attack, so I prayed, read and memorized scripture and the nightmares would subside for a season.  Still, these nightmares have never been completely absent from my life.  For 15 years I have battled in different seasons these same sexually violent and erotic dreams.  Each time it happens it reminds me just how vulnerable and susceptible my mind and heart are to sexually explicit thoughts.  Thoughts that do not build intimacy between Justin and I but serve to depress and destroy the sexual union in our marriage.

For certain, this is one of the reasons I am passionate about sexual intimacy in marriage….because it matters to God, it matters to my husband and it matters to me.  The most uncomfortable thought is that it matters to the enemy of my soul as well. I believe that at a young age my mind was invaded by dreams that were meant to destroy a beauty that had not yet been experienced.  The joy and bliss of marital intimacy.  The joining of bodies in the deepest emotional, mental, spiritual and physical way possible.  My marriage could have easily begun with a deep sense of shame and disgust for sex but thanks to a great God that did not happen.  For that I am grateful.

I make love with my eyes open and my mind intent on my husband.  Erotic thoughts and visual stimulation could easily show up if invited.  I don’t give the invitation.  I never did.  And it is only through the grace and power of God that those uninvited thoughts and images are made to vanish.

I don’t believe I am the only one susceptible to sexual manipulation.  We all are.  Sex is incredibly powerful.  It is incredibly powerful in positive ways and incredibly powerful in destructive ways.  Basing your sex life on what God intends it to be will never leave you lacking.  Basing it on what others say it should be will leave you searching for more.  As for me, I don’t search for more.  I have a great, satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationship with my husband.  It has grown better over the years because I have loved, listened to and been guided by the God who invented the whole idea.  I know that there is great freedom behind closed doors because I have experienced it.  I know that sex does not have to remain distorted.  I know that what the enemy sent to cause destruction actually built and strengthened my own marriage and planted a seed to minister to other marriages.  I know that the same can be true for you.

This very personal story is shared, in part, as a response to a very erotic book that is currently being sold, “50 Shades of Grey.”  Many other marriage bloggers I respect and admire have written more specifically about the book but this is just further insight into my experiences in life and why I will not invite erotica such as this into my bedroom.  For further reading check out To Love Honor and Vacuum who today posted about this subject and included several links to other blogger’s thoughts.