Sex Drives: Do I make you horny?

“Do I make you horny baby?  Do I?”

As much as we like to quote movies and TV shows around our house, this line from Austin Powers is not one we say with any frequency. On any given day, in any given situation and circumstance, the answer may be a yes or a no.  Feeling “horny” or “turned on” is often relative to what’s going on under the surface in our lives emotionally and circumstantially.  This week we want to take a real look at sex drives in order to  gain better understanding of how they impact our sex lives both positively and negatively.

One’s libido (or sex drive) is simply their overall desire for sexual activity.  Sex drives differ from person to person and are affected by biological, psychological and social components.  Sexual tension builds in both men and women and needs to be released.  When sufficient tension is built up there is a physical and sometimes emotional urge for it to be released.  Marriage is the appropriate boundary God has in place to fulfill these urges, making sexual desire an important part of marriage.

Generally speaking, men have stronger urges and desire for release than women, making their sex drives far more straightforward.  Men have an easier time being “goal oriented” and are not easily distracted. Oftentimes, if a male’s sex drive is not being fulfilled at home, it’s being fulfilled somewhere else (internet pornography or some other form of release). This isn’t always the case, but wives want to be sure they are helping their husband release when necessary so he isn’t prone to temptations elsewhere.

That said, it is possible for a male to have a lower sex drive than his wife.  Whether it’s emotional factors, physical problems, or side effects of medication, men, too, may have a decrease in their libido. Understanding where he is at and why is very important to a healthy sex life.

As for women, their sex drive is often far more complex and is far more likely to be influenced by a wide variety of factors.  Many women enjoy  sex regularly but rarely feel the strong “need” for sex.  Distractions such as a full schedule, household chores, children, etc. all affect women’s perceived desire for sex.  Not feeling a strong emotional connection with their spouse, a strained relationship (marital or other) or just plain not feeling sexy may factor heavily in a woman’s desire for sex.  This still doesn’t take into account hormones, slower physical responses and a plethora of other factors.  Can a woman have a strong sex drive? Of course! In many marriages it is the woman who wants more sex than their husband.  But it is helpful to understand that women’s sex drives are often times more difficult to understand and interpret.

Because sex is such an important part of a marriage, having differences in libido (perceived or actual) may cause serious stress.  When one spouse makes a move and it is met with refusal, it causes pain.  When a spouse rarely if ever feels “horny” or aroused they begin to feel guilty, as if there is something wrong with them.  It takes a lot of self examination and open communication to understand how you respond sexually, and how your spouse can help you learn their responses.

Today, we would like you to focus specifically on your own sex drive.  Understanding how you respond to sexual advances (and even knowing why you respond in these ways) is a very beneficial exercise.

1) Think about the last time you felt aroused.  What, specifically, made you feel aroused?  Was it something that your spouse did or was it an unexpected response to some other stimulus?  Did you act on that arousal with your spouse or not?

2) Have there been times when you felt fully aroused yet something distracted you and you lost that feeling?

3) How long does it take you to go from being unaroused, to fully aroused?

We encourage you to discuss all of your answers from these questions with your spouse.  They need to be fully aware as to what, specifically, brings you to a state of arousal, as well as what distracts you from getting there.

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What do you believe couples need to understand most about sex drives?  Let us know in the comments below!