Guide For Newlyweds: A Message for Men

We have some friends who are nearing their wedding day, and this has helped us to realize that there isn’t a great deal of information out there for what brand new couples should expect in the bedroom.  We are – and always will be! – strong advocates of waiting until marriage to experience sexual intimacy.  Our series on the Pain of Past Sexual Experiences is only the tip of the iceberg on why we believe all couples should wait before considering any type of physical sex.  But what should couples think through and discuss before they get married?  What specifics should each know before diving under the covers for the first time?  In this post we wanted to cover a few things men need to remember and consider before their first sexual experience:

1) You can’t mentally prepare for your first sexual encounter

We’re always writing about how each spouse should mentally prepare for sex throughout the day to help be emotionally ready for sexual intimacy.  But a word of caution to men: don’t do this for your first sexual encounter.  Sure, you can mentally prepare for the overall enjoyment that you will experience, but we can assure you that your first time won’t be anything like what you think it will be.  She may (or may not) be very nervous about availing her full body to you.  Chances are, she’s not going to be overly vocal and tell you how amazing the experience is while it’s happening.  To be honest, the first time penetration occurs may prove painful for her.

If you want to emotionally prepare for your first time, prepare words of encouragement for your wife.  Be sure to tell her it’s a new experience for you as well and how much you’re looking forward to finding out what works for you both.  Emotionally prepare yourself that it won’t be anything like what you may think or imagine.  Emotionally prepare yourself that you may ejaculate before she reaches climax.  Emotionally prepare yourself that she may not orgasm and you shouldn’t feel like a failure because of it.  Emotionally prepare yourself that your body is just as much hers as hers is yours.

2) What pleases you won’t please her

There seems to be this misnomer (and the entertainment industry does little to help) that you’ll both enjoy sex in the exact same ways and you’ll both experience orgasm at the exact same time.  Sorry to break it to you, but this just isn’t going to happen.  In fact, there’s a very good chance that she will not attain orgasm during your first sexual encounter.  Nevertheless, do your very best to take your time.  Your in-and-out thrusts probably won’t excite her and very well may make the experience shorter than need be.   Once penetration occurs, give her the opportunity to verbalize what feels good for her and what doesn’t.  If it is slightly painful, discuss if any lubrications may help (but don’t use them unless you need to!) or change positions.  Consider allowing her to start out on top so that she controls all movement.  This will help her to more quickly learn what she likes, when she likes it and when/how to be touched, kissed, and caressed.  And as you discover what she likes, you’ll discover that what pleases her DOES please you, but in a much different way than you may have anticipated.

3) Get to know her body

While you’re more than ready to jump in the sack, you really need to understand your wife’s body.  Yes, she has breasts and you’re now free to fondle them.  Yes, she has a vagina that awaits.  But you must understand that not all sexual stimulation happens through her breasts or vagina.  Get to know the clitoris.  If necessary, allow her to show it to you during foreplay as you begin your first sexual experience. This little knob of flesh is the absolute lynchpin to much – if not all – of her sexual stimulation.

In fact, for your first encounter it may be a good idea to have an extended make-out session where you have the opportunity to kiss and touch parts of her body that have never been revealed.  As she begins to be more and more open to the experience that’s about to take place, begin by rubbing your hand up and down her inner thigh.  Once she responds positively, slowly work your way up and gently massage all flesh around her vagina.  Be sure to touch her directly on the clitoris and use a little bit of lotion if necessary.  As her body warms up to you, her vagina will naturally secrete fluid that will make penetration easier for you both.  Just remember our words of advice from above, it’s still a good idea to give her permission to control the movement.  You want this moment to last and you want her to enjoy it as much as possible.  If you take your time, who knows, you may discover that she is able to climax during your first sexual encounter.  If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen.  Whatever happens, don’t beat yourself up and remember that you have a lifetime to continue to get to know each other sexually.


We’ve got more to say on this subject of sex for newlyweds including thoughts for her. But if you have other intimacy related things men should know ahead of time, feel free to drop a line in the comments below.

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