Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom: #5 Busyness

Emma: “Don’t forget that you’re taking the kids to soccer tonight.”

Joshua: “Both of them?”

Emma: “Yes, both of them. Just play on the playground with the little one while David practices with his team.”

Joshua: “And what are you up to tonight, again?”

Emma: “The girls in our Bible Study are meeting for dinner, remember?”

Joshua: “Now that you say it, I do remember.”

Emma: “Oh, and don’t forget that Wednesday night you need to take mom to the store.  Her car broke down.”

Joshua: *sarcastically* “Great.”

Emma: “And Thursday night we’re meeting the Robinson family for dinner.”

Joshua: “Ok…got it.  And Friday…?”

Emma: “There’s nothing currently scheduled Friday evening, but we’ve got stuff scheduled soccerall day Saturday.”

Joshua: “What in the world is going on Saturday?!  I was planning to…”

Emma: “Honey, we’ve talked about this. We’re going hiking in the morning with the kids and then we’ve got two different birthday parties in the afternoon.”

Joshua: “When are we going to have some time just for us?”

Emma: “Ha!  That’s hilarious!  Time for us…when we’ve got kids at this age we don’t have ‘time for us.'”

Joshua: “Well we schedule in everything else.  Maybe we should schedule in some ‘time for us.’  I mean, why not?”

Emma: “Sure, we can schedule in a date sometime if you want to try.”

Joshua: “That’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about ‘time for us’.  You know…bow-chicka-bow…”

Emma: “Very mature, honey.  And for the record that’s not something you schedule in.”

Joshua: “Why not?”

Emma: “I’m not sure…but it’s just not.  Crap!  I’m late…I’ll see you later.  Don’t forget the kids’ water bottles for practice tonight.”

Joshua: “Hey don’t forget we need to…” *Watches Emma drive away and hangs his head low, then says quietly to himself* “We need to schedule some time for us.”


I (Justin) have a terrible confession to make.  I haven’t seen one of my grandmothers in over a year.  True story…I haven’t seen her in over a year.  That may not sound too bad if I told you she lives out of state, but guess what, she lives just ten minutes from where I’m currently sitting.  To make it worse, she lives less than ten minutes from my office.  Please don’t judge me.

Every single time I think about stopping by to visit I’ve got something else on my plate.  And the past couple of times I’ve called her to schedule a time to stop by, she’s had something else on her plate.  Ridiculous isn’t it?  That my grandmother and I haven’t found a way to enjoy a cup of coffee and good conversation for over a year?  Of course it is.

You know what’s more ridiculous?  A couple unable to regularly connect sexually because their lives are too full of other activities.  What’s weird is that their lives are full of what they think are ‘good’ activities.  The kids soccer / basketball / baseball / football / wrestling / dancing programs.  The Bible Studies.  The visits with other families.   The parent/teacher meetings.  The birthday parties for the kids’ friends.  And just like that this couple begins to wonder why they’re so tired.  Why they feel so busy.  And though neither of them will actually admit it, why they feel so sexually malnourished.

Listen, because this is insanely important.  We know that some of you are that couple.  And we’re not telling you something you don’t already know.  You know your life is busy.  You know you and your spouse *could* have more time to connect.  You know there are other things in your life you *could* give up.  You know it.  You just haven’t given them up, because they’re good things.  Right?
Well, this has pretty much been our point throughout this entire series.  What is good / better / best for you, your family, your marriage and your sex life?  For example, let’s have a quick experiment.  Stop reading this right now and pull out your calendar.  We’re serious…get your calendar.  If it’s online, then open it up in another tab.  Or grab your phone…just take a second and get your calendar out.
OK, welcome back.  Now, take a look at everything currently scheduled on your calendar.  Our guess is you schedule in the things that are most important to you.  By looking at your calendar, what’s most important?  Is it the kids?  Is it your career?  Is it…yourself?  Or are you SO busy you’re not even sure what’s most important to you any more?
Now, let’s think about this in such a way that we you can re-prioritize some things if you so feel the need to.  Simply take the opportunity to answer the following statements below by filling in each blank with the word “good”, “better” or “best”.

  1. I do a _______ job of ensuring my spouse is more important than my job.
  2. I do a _______ job of ensuring my spouse is more important than the kids.
  3. I do a _______ job of ensuring we make time to sexually connect on a regular basis.
  4. I do a _______ job of saying ‘no’ to good things so I can say ‘yes’ to better/best things.
  5. I do a _______ job of not just connecting with my spouse, but ensuring they’re sexually fulfilled.

Sure, we could ask more questions, but that should give you plenty to think about this week. And just so you know, there’s nothing wrong with scheduling in some time to sexually connect with your spouse. In fact, get that calendar out again.  Pick a day and write in, “Sexual surprise.”  Get a new outfit if you want.  Or plan to try something a little different.  Just schedule in a time to surprise your spouse sexually.  They’ll be glad you did.


This is Part 5 in our series on Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom in Marriage.  Additional posts in the series can be found at the links below.  And stay tuned for our next series: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage.

Part 1: Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom #1 – Ego

Part 2: Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom #2 – Personal Interests

Part 3: Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom #3 – Sexual Past

Part 4: Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom #4 – Inhibitions

Part 5: Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom #5 – Busyness

4 thoughts on “Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom: #5 Busyness

  1. This was so true of us, years ago. I was constantly over committing to important tasks and functions. Finally, we developed a Floating X System. Big red X’s on the calendar. I wouldn’t call them ‘date nights’ – rather, ‘whatever’ nights. They spoke of freedom.

    I had a hard time saying NO to people. So these floating red Xs marked out our priority in marriage for us. Whether it was an actual date night, or time for myself or for hubby, a movie, or sex or just reading. There were 2 and they could be used on any day of the week – BUT they HAD to be used.

  2. Your “checklists” in this series are so convicting, Justin (and Megan? Don’t want to leave either of you out)! And this is so true … we can schedule all sorts of other activities into our lives and never think that our sex life should be a priority and scheduled at times as well. My husband and I started to “schedule” these special times back years ago when I read the book, Intimacy by Doug Weiss. It’s an excellent book on how to keep the sexual relationship running smooth. I do believe our sexual relationship has improved exponentially since we’ve made it a priority among all the other things on our list of “to-do’s.” Thanks for this series! It’s something so very important to keeping the home fires burning!

  3. Great article! My first time here and I will be back!

    Early in my ministry I found that when I told folks that I had an appointment, they were Ok with that and I could reschedule to meet them. What they did not know at the time, is that my “appointment” was my Friday night date night with my bride. We treasured those times and are now married 39 years, and yes we still “date” every week. Anything can be scheduled if we set it as a priority, even sexual intimacy.
    Jerry –

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