Understanding Love: Ahava

“Love” is one of those words that gets thrown around a lot in our culture.  Marriages crumble each and every day because one (or both) individuals in the marriage forget what it truly means to love another person.  Therefore, we wanted to write a series based on the subject of love, and focus specifically on what it means to love another person – especially a spouse.  We first wrote out definitions of “love” from dictionaries of different time periods and focused on 1 Corinthians 13.  We then wrote about an Old Testament period Hebrew term used for “love” or “compassion”.  Today, we look at another ancient Hebrew term for love – ahava.

The Hebrew termʾahăbâ (pronounced “ahava” in every piece of literature we’ve read) is rooted in another term ʾāhēb.  The term is used is various parts of the Old Testament, but we would like to focus on specific uses in the Song of Songs.

Songs 2:4 – He brought me to the banquet hall,
and he looked on me with love.

Songs 3:5 – Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and the wild does of the field:
do not stir up or awaken love
until the appropriate time.

Songs 8:6 – Set me as a seal on your heart,
as a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death;
ardent love is as unrelenting as Sheol.
Love’s flames are fiery flames —
the fiercest of all.

Ahava is “strong affection” for another, and as you can see above, the author of Song of Songs states that this type of affection is quite strong.  While some scholars reference ahava as being potentially sexual in nature, there’s a separate hebrew word for that we’ll cover later. *wink wink*

Song of Songs 8:6 gives a good understanding of this type of love within a marriage.  The author indicates that “ahava” is as strong as death.  Love, as seen here, is perceived to be eternal.  When used accordingly in the marriage relationship, there is a devotion toward one another that cannot be broken by anything other than death.  Situations will arise.  There will be other difficult seasons that contain heartaches.  But an acting out of ahava in the marriage shows that the marriage bond is so strong, so secure, that it is truly the most important relationship for both the husband and the wife.

This particular passage also indicates that ahava is like fiery flames.  Some authors indicate this could be translated as a flaming arrow, the fiercest of all.  Again, this shows that ahava, when truly acted out within the marriage shows the unique oneness of the relationship.  This type of love is not only used as a shield against whatever situations may arise that can cause marital turmoil, but also may be used as a weapon.  An arrow is a weapon fired from a great distance in the heat of battle.  The analogy here is simple: when the marriage relationship is firing on all cylinders and unexpected turmoil attacks the marriage, the ahava is so strong the marriage comes out unscathed.  Additionally, when the marriage relationship is firing on all cylinders, the couple sees little threats at a great distance, and their love for one another is so strong they send fiery arrows towards any and all visible threats, with the purpose of keeping the marriage pure and strong.

Applying ahava love today within marriage seems simple, but it’s really quite difficult.  It requires something of the husband and the wife.  It requires each person to see the beauty of the marriage relationship.  It requires the husband to love his wife as Jesus loved the church, willing to give his life for her.  It requires the wife to show a tremendous amount of respect to her husband.  It requires both to submit to one another.  It requires a genuine desire for relational unity and oneness.  And when that oneness is there, it makes our study for the subject of dod (dode) so much more exciting.  We’ll pick up there next time.  Until then…

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What do you and your spouse do to keep marital threats at bay?

For a deeper study on The Song of Songs, we can strongly recommend “Intimacy Ignited” by Dillow/Pintus.  Men, I (Justin) understand the cover may not look “manly”, but this is a great read for you both!

Marriage is…Easy?

A long, long time ago, in a livingroom not-so far away, Megan and I talked about the subject of marriage with another married couple.  During our gathering, the subject of unhappy marriages and divorce came up.  We talked about what makes marriages break apart (finances, affairs, the un-true belief that the grass is always greener on the other side, etc.).  But then somebody said something completely unexpected.  He said, “I’m not really sure what’s so hard about marriage.  We don’t find marriage to be difficult at all.”  Even more amazingly, his wife sat nodding in agreement.

Honestly, Megan and I can say with certainty after 12 years of marriage that the marriage relationship isn’t easy.  It’s not easy at all.  It takes a tremendous amount of work.  In fact, we’d probably go so far as to say that if one believes marriage is easy, they’re probably not doing it very well.  Let’s take a look at some of the reasons couples do break apart to see just how difficult the marriage relationship is to live out well:

1) Finances / What’s Mine Is Yours:

The mentality of “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine” doesn’t go over very well with 99% of people.  Even in marriages where one spouse earns a very high salary and the family has little to no debt and is able to purchase any needs or wants at any moment, finances are still a point of contention.  Learning to live with another person and share what’s yours with them doesn’t come naturally.  Therefore, to have a happier marriage relationship, couples may choose to either:

a) …live within their own perspective salaries.  If both husband and wife work, they live with a mindset of, “I earned this, so I can spend it whatever I want.”  Their spouse lives by the same edict, and on the outside they are seemingly content living this way.  The truth is that they’re not living in the “oneness” of marriage by operating in this manner.  They will over time grow further apart than they will grow closer together, and will be left wondering what happened to their marriage relationship after living a life of personal contentment and personal satisfaction (rather than marital satisfaction) for so many years.

b) …accept debt as a way of life.  Sad but true, many couples just accept debt and choose to buy whatever each person wants, not really caring how badly their debt piles up.  Inevitably, they find themselves in a terrible situation in which each spouse blames the other for their financial woes.

c) …live within a “what’s mine is yours” marriage relationship.  This goes well beyond the area of finances (but finances are a great place to start.)  A “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine” mentality covers finances and all things personal.  Cell phones, facebook, email, etc.  It’s giving your spouse permission to spend the money you earned, trusting them to do the right thing.  It’s also giving them permission to read your texts, email, facebook, and so on.  This type of trust is essential in a marriage relationship.  Of the three options listed here, it certainly isn’t “easy” by any stretch of the imagination…but it’s certainly worth it when the goal is a stronger, healthier marriage.

2) The grass is greener on the other side.

Of all the reasons couples break apart, this one is very much a summary of all of them.  The “grass is greener” mindset covers finances, sex, and any other “pleasure” one may be seeking in life.  Sadly, those who live with this mentality have never once found greener pastures.  They’ve always thought things like, “When I get married I’ll be happy.”  But then it doesn’t happen.  “When I have children, then my true happiness with begin.”  But then it doesn’t happen.  Inevitably, it turns toward, “It’s my spouses fault.  I need to become romantically involved with someone who can really sweep me off my feet.”

Those who live with this mentality will never, ever find greener pastures.  The marriage relationship isn’t easy.  It takes serious work.  Making a decision to get married, have children, or to buy a new tv or car isn’t going to bring marital bliss.  If you know of anyone living with this mentality, encourage them to work towards experiencing a healthier marriage.  Encourage them to take opportunities to experience life together with their spouse.  Encourage them to experience difficult financial situations together.  To experience raising children together.  To experience one another, through good times and bad, together.  Encourage them to make their marriage relationship the most important relationship they have.

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In your opinion, what’s the most difficult part of the marriage relationship?  How do you and your spouse work through this difficulty to keep your marriage relationship strong?

Understanding “Love”: Racham

“Love” is one of those words that gets thrown around a lot in our culture.  Marriages crumble each and every day because one (or both) individuals in the marriage forget what it means to love another person.  To try to understand what love really is, we first wrote out definitions of “love” from our modern day dictionary as well as a look at an 1800′s Western Culture understanding (how far we’ve come in 200 years!).  Additionally, we looked back to the 1st Century A.D. Roman Empire Culture, by focusing on a few verses of 1 Corinthians 13.  Today, we rewind the clock back a little bit further and look at Ancient Israel and they’re understanding of “love”.

While “love” has a number of meanings in our current culture, the Hebrew Language from the Old Testament complicated things more.  Instead of having one word with multiple meanings, they simply used multiple words.  This is odd, as the Hebrew language has far less words (less than 80,000) compared to English (approximately 1,000,000).  Nevertheless, the Old Testament has 11 Hebrew words for “love”.  Eleven.  Some are used only a few times but others are used in pretty good abundance.

The specific Hebrew word we’d like to focus on today is:

racham  (rāḥam) [rah KHAM)

The term "racham" is used 47 times in the Old Testament, and seven of those come in book of Hosea.  If you've never read the book of Hosea, it's about God commanding Hosea the prophet to marry a prostitute.  Throughout the book, Hosea is to continually show racham toward his wife, just as God shows it to the nation of Israel.

"Racham" is translated by various scholars as either "love" or "have compassion, or pity".  Some Hebrew scholars indicate that this type of deep love is sometimes used for one who is superior over one who is inferior (an example would be Isaiah 49:15 when a nursing mother shows love toward her nursing infant) but is sometimes used as an expression of love for God (Psalm 18:1).

Still, the term is most often used of God's love or compassion on others, most specifically, on those He chooses to show racham (Exodus 33:19).  Even more amazingly, it is used as an expression of love/compassion on those who do not deserve to receive it (2 Kings 13:23).  A careful reading of the Old Testament indicates that God shows this type of love over, and over, and over again to those who don't deserve it.  Think about how amazing this is: God chooses to show racham to whomever He chooses, and the people He chooses to show racham toward don't deserve it.

How exactly does this apply to marriage?  Well, within our marriage, Megan and I naturally show a lot of love and compassion to one another, especially during our good seasons.  But there are times when we each mess up.  Times when we hurt one another.  Times when we don't want to show racham to the one who just hurt us. Times when we may think they don't deserve it.

But this is exactly the point of racham, it is given in an undeserved manner.  Hosea's wife didn't deserve it, but God provided it anyway.  Israel didn't deserve it, but God provided it anyway.  We don't deserve it, but God still offers it.  And if God is willing to show this kind of love and compassion toward others who are undeserving, why wouldn't we offer it as well?

The point of racham isn't to accept one another's flaws.  It's not to accept the person and their sin.  It's to see them, love them, and show compassion on them with the ultimate desire being for them to become the person God made them to be.  It's to see the person they are in spite of their flaws.  It's to see through their outbursts.  See through their frustration.  See through their prostitution.  See through all kinds of inappropriate behavior...and to have compassion on them, even though [you think] they don’t deserve it.

God’s use of racham shows that it is a choice.  It’s purposeful compassion.  This type of love has been graciously shown towards us, and we would all do well to reflect it within marriage.

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Have you ever shown this type of love to your spouse…this undeserved love/compassion?  How did they respond knowing that they didn’t deserve it?  Have you ever undeservingly received it from your spouse?  Let us know in the comments below.

Identity Crisis:

Over the last several months, I (Megan) have been wrestling through some identity issues.  I don’t really need to go into details in this post but I tell you this because I know that most, if not all, marriages will encounter a season where one spouse goes through an identity crisis of sorts.  Re-evaluation of self worth and identity often happens when big or difficult life changes occur.  Since marriage is supposed to be the one constant relationship that weathers these life changes, it stands to reason our marriages will encounter some identity crisis.

Here are a few things to keep in mind if your spouse is struggling with difficult questions and trying to figure out what the best next steps are for their life.

1.  Support rather than condemn.

Wrestling through the BIG questions in life is never easy and sometimes leaves one feeling condemned or alone.  When it’s your spouse wrestling through these questions, they already feel the complexities of life and may want to try to figure out the answers by themselves.  In this situation, you only have two options.  You can either 1) react or 2) respond.  To react is the choice of most individuals, and isn’t always done with your spouses best interest at heart.  To react is to do so swiftly, and oftentimes negatively.  But when you respond, you take the time to appreciate who they are, encouraging them to better explore and understand who God made them to be.  Taking time to think it through and respond accordingly means only good things for the marriage relationship as a whole.

2.  Love them just because.

There are many reasons you love your spouse.  They are kind.  They are funny.  They are thoughtful.  They are sexy.  They are…  When your spouse is wrestling through something, take the opportunity to remind them of these things.

But remember: during an identity crisis, these reasons may not always seem apparent.  Some of these characteristics may even change through time.  Does this mean you love your spouse any less than the day you married them?  Of course not!  In marriage, you love your spouse…not the individual characteristics of your spouse.  Help them find their identity within themselves and the person God created them to be, not the individual characteristics they act out each and every day.  Love them the way you promised to on your wedding day.  Love them the same way God loves them (1 Corinthians 13).  Love them, because they’re worth it.

3. Develop a network of supportive relationships.

This is important for both you and your spouse.  Your spouse needs people in their life to be honest and real with.  Unfortunately, the times when we need others most are often the times we isolate ourselves from others the most.  If your spouse is needy and does not have supportive relationships, that need for support often falls onto you.  When you feel you can’t give anymore, take the opportunity to rely on those in your circle of friends who can give you energy and encouragement to continue giving your spouse what they need from you.

4. Find something to laugh about together.

Laughter is a gift.  It’s good for you.  It’s great stress relief.  It’s helps you forget about your day, a day that was anything but ‘positive and encouraging’.  That being said, we know there are times when laughter just doesn’t come easily.  During these times, try to find something to bring humor into your spouses life.  It could be anything from a joke, to a comedy movie, to tickling them with a feather while naked.  When they know you can make them laugh even when they’re in the midst of an identity crisis, it helps them find a part of their identity directly in you.  And that may be the small nudge they needed to help discover the rest of it.

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How do you help encourage your spouse when they’re struggling with their identity?  Feel free to leave a tip in the comments below.

Follow us on Twitter: @_DoNot_Disturb

The Fun Theory: Bedroom Edition

A couple of months ago we wrote about how sex and boring should never be used in the same sentence.  While some would agree that sex is never boring, it may sometimes feel like a ho-hum event or “task” to check off the list.  Due to this, we thought this would a good time to introduce “The Fun Theory” into your bedroom activities.  Here is a clip that inspired this post (well, kinda)

A small simple change got 66% more people taking the stairs.  They were different.  Unique.  Fun.

Within the marriage relationship, we’re of the opinion that there is great freedom in sexual intimacy between husband and wife.  This freedom gives us opportunities to be different, unique…and fun.  While the idea of “fun” may make some feel uncomfortable, we’re not talking about kinky or crude practices.  Just simple advice about how to laugh, have fun and enjoy your spouse.  After all, their body is yours, and yours is theirs.  You enjoy your time together at the movies, or over dinner…so why not take practical steps to make sex more fun for you and your spouse?

Here are a few suggestions to include more fun in the bedroom.

1. Get your flirt on.  Flirting is great for your marriage.

Think about it: when you dated you flirted with your to-be spouse on a near daily basis.  Each of you put a tremendous amount of time and energy in dating, flirting, and winning over your future mate.  Some of that continues the first few months, or even years of marriage.  But then the thoughts come, “Why put energy into winning them over?  Why not just jump in the sheets?”  Well, jumping in the sheets will come, but you have to constantly be battling for your spouse.  Our culture, for lack of better words, is flirting with him/her in a variety of ways.  Music, Television, Movies, and perhaps even pornography.  Culture is constantly looking for your time and your dollar.  Your spouse, on the other hand, only craves you…and only really wants to be won over by you.

When is the last time you looked at your spouse and raised an eyebrow?  Or snuck up behind her and whisper something in her ear?  Or lifted up your shirt when nobody else was  looking to show off your breasts?  How much time to you put into flirting with the one you’re going to spend the rest of your life with?  If you’re not yet experiencing freedom behind closed doors, one step to take is to actively flirt with your spouse. Do it often.  Do it daily.

2. Try a new position.

It’s true that different positions are sometimes more fun than functional (if you catch our drift).  But trying a new position can still be quite exciting and educational.  Our bodies are made to connect and you may discover that connection can happen in sexual positions you didn’t think your bodies could twist and turn into.  If you’re not sure where/how to discover new positions, then try playing a fun game of Twister…naked.  Or if you have a smart phone, there are some apps that give suggestions for positions that are clean sketches and directions for how to get into the position.  No real images.  No temptation to lust over someone other than your spouse.

When trying a new position, it’s important to remember that orgasm may not happen for either or you.  But you’ll often get a view of your spouse that isn’t typical.  Throw some candles in the room and you’ll even see their shadow flicker on the bedroom wall.  That shadow is merely a reflection of the beautiful time you and your spouse are having with one another.  Who knows, trying out a new position just may get those shadows to dance 66% longer than they normally would.

3. Pick a new place to have sex.

J over at Hot, Holy Humorous had a series recently about different places to have sex.  With lots of humor and some practical advice about the subject, we recommend you check out what she has to say.  If your brave, let us know in the comments what you look forward to trying out.  As for us, we’ll just use those ideas as a way to flirt with one another in future conversations.

4. Come up with a code word for sex and use it in random conversations throughout the day.

There is something so fun about having a secret language that only you and your spouse know.  Sometimes it’s a secret word.  Sometimes it’s a secret sound.  Maybe you’ll text the secret phrase to him while he’s at work.  Maybe he’ll write it on the bathroom mirror with a wipe-off marker.  Whatever it is, it’s something that only you and your spouse know about, and it’s something gets you both excited for what’s coming later on that evening.

5. Have sex more often.

It sounds simple, but the more often you have sex, the better sex you’ll continue to have.  We’ve read some articles stating that the average sexual experience (from time of entry) is anywhere from 8-13 minutes.  With this being an average, it means that for some couples it’s much longer than this time frame, and for others, it’s much shorter.  This isn’t speaking poorly of him in any way, but maybe she gets him all rowed up and he just isn’t able to last more than a few minutes.  The solution: have sex more often.  The more often you both have sex, the more sexual stamina you’ll build up.  The more stamina you have, the longer you have sex.  The longer you have sex, the more positions you can try.  The more positions you try, the more fun you have in the bedroom.  The more fun you have in the bedroom, the more you flirt with one another.  The more you flirt with another another, the more often you want to have sex.  We understand this is basic circular reasoning, but it’s circular reasoning at it’s finest…and it’s worth it.  So, don’t just have sex.  Enjoy sex more often.  Make it fun.  You’re spouse will thank you, and you’ll thank yourself as well.

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How do you keep things fresh and fun in your marriage?  Your sex life?  Are you willing to join The Fun Theory: Bedroom Edition?

 

The Power of Showing Up:

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word power? Electricity? Strength? Success? Authority? Last night we were having a small group discussion about power. During our discussion we were asked to think about a time when God used us in a powerful way. There were answers about mission trips, sharing with someone about Jesus, and a few assorted other very Christian activities.  The discussion was all well and good but it got me (Megan) thinking about what the christian life is really about. God’s glory being revealed.  That is power.

I believe that marriage can be a daily reminder of God’s glory revealed because marriage was designed by God.  Marriage is not something created by man, it was all God’s idea from the very beginning.  The problem is that in this broken and busted world the experience of marriage can often be a very hard one.  It isn’t easy to always put someone else’s needs ahead of your own.  It isn’t always easy to react in love.  It isn’t always easy to think of someone more highly than yourself.  Add to that disagreements, arguments and strife and it’s easy to wonder how God can receive any glory at all from what seems like a broken mess.

This is where I believe there is power in showing up.  When life and marriage get hard it is so tempting and seemingly easier to just quit showing up.  To emotionally check out and disengage.  That is a temptation we all face.  But the glory of God is revealed when we choose to show up.  To engage.  To fight for our marriage.  To work on what needs to be worked on and deal with what needs to be dealt with.  Now that is powerful and it can only come through the power of God in us.  The challenge then is that we show up in our marriages and allow God to use us in powerful ways.  By doing this, God’s glory will be revealed.

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Do you ever struggle with the temptation to disengage and not show up?  Do you have a story about how showing up made a difference in you marriage?

Linking up with: Beholding Glory

Marriage Tip: Finances

There are a few topics every pastor on the planet will want to discuss with a young couple about to be married.  One of those topics is finances.  Why?  Because the mentality of “what’s mine is yours” is foreign in our everyday culture.  Due to this cultural norm, the most common arguments in marriage today are about money and/or sex.  And while finances are a big part of pre-marriage counseling conversation, arguments remain.  Hearing about “what’s mine is yours” and learning to live it out are two completely different things.  Therefore, we wanted to provide a couple of tips for married couples in the area of finances.  For the most part, we follow these tips within our own marriage and this has helped us keep our marriage relationship front and center through each and every day.

Tip #1: Only buy what you NEED first.

This seems quite simple, but there are a high percentage of individuals who receive their paycheck and have it spent before it ever clears the bank.  Oftentimes, the check isn’t merely spent on food, clothing and shelter.  Be it a kindle fire, new music, books, designer boots, makeup…you name it.  If someone wants it and they just received their paycheck, they’re probably going to go get it.  If a husband and wife both do this, it will inevitably lead to an argument.  Suddenly, finances are tight and a, “How was your day?” conversation leads to a, “You bought what?!” argument. Both parties point fingers at one another thinking their spouses paycheck was going to cover their needs.  Each has a mentality of, “I earned it, so I should be able to buy what I want.”  Sorry folks, this just isn’t the case.  You earned it, but the marriage relationship is special, remember?  What’s yours is also your spouses…this means your body, and your finances.  You may have earned it, but your spouse has equal rights to it.  What you just spent belongs to your spouse just as much as it belongs to you.

The question now is, “What if I really do want something and we can afford it?”

Tip #2: Put off all minor WANT purchases for 48 hours.

Everybody has wants.  Depending on your financial situation, a “want” item can be anything from $10 to $200.  It can be anything from a book, to a video game, to clothing, etc.  Our advice: Wait at least 24 hours, if not 48 before deciding to move forward.  Putting in this little bit of extra time gives you the opportunity to ensure you have no surprise bills coming in the mail (dentist, doctor visits, or credit card receipts for month-old car trouble) and gives you the time to reflect on whether you really want it or not.  Surprisingly, a 48 hour delay often leads to a mentality of, “I’ve been just fine without having _____________ for the past couple of days.  I guess I didn’t really want it that bad after all.”  This helps keep money in the bank, and readily available for unforeseen circumstances that may be right around the corner.

Tip #3: Put off all major WANT purchases for 3-6 months:

Again, depending on your financial decision, a major financial decision could be any number of things.  For some it’s a new car.  For others, it’s something as simple as a new washing machine, dishwasher or other appliance.  Years ago in our marriage, it was a $750 piece of computer software.  Sometimes these items can be a need, but many times, an old car or appliance can be repaired for a fraction of the cost, and electronics are guaranteed to go down in price as newer models come out.  If it is something you really want, try going the repair route first, and then reevaluate in a few months.  If it’s something you still believe you and your family want, then return back and purchase it later.  Chances are, 3-6 months later it’s a much easier decision.  You’ll either decide you can live without it, or you’ll find you’re in a much better financial place to move forward.  Either way, the waiting time is well worth it.

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What tips do you have to ensure finances are not a point of arguments within your marriage relationship?

Understanding “Love”: Introduction

Before I (Justin) get any deeper into this post, I want to let you know something about myself…I don’t have many pet peeves.  I really don’t.  Sure, there are things in life (and others’ lives) that bother me from time to time, but not often in such a way that I have a real disdain for it/them.  However, there is one thing that makes me pretty judgmental: people who use the dictionary to define words while public speaking.  High School graduations, College graduations, other public speaking events, even the occasional blog post…it doesn’t really matter.  When I hear somebody say/write, “Webster’s dictionary defines ____________ as…” I think to myself, “Really?  I mean, C’mon…is that really the best you could come up with?”  Today, I eat my own words, because in just a few moments, I’m going to bust open the good old Webster’s dictionary.  If you have as much disdain for this sort of thing as I do, I encourage you to keep reading, as I have excellent semi-good reasons for doing so.

Anyway…now onto the post.

“Love” is one of those words that gets thrown around a lot in our culture.  In fact, it happens so much so that I’m not completely convinced many people truly understand what it means to “love” another person.  Evidence of this sometimes comes from crumbling marriages.  When the marriage is over and the divorce finalized one spouse may say something to the effect of, “Well, the truth is…over time we just fell out of love.”  Really?  How does that happen?  How does a couple go from falling in love, to falling out of love?  Other evidence comes from casual everyday conversations.  In one day you may hear the same person say, “I love my wife…I love my car…I love this book…” and so on.  To make matters worse, people often declare, “God is love,” but then are unable to clearly describe what that means.

Now, before I go digging into the dictionary, stop reading, grab a piece of paper, and write out a definition of love.  You don’t have to tell anybody else what you write.  Just write, “Love is…” and then finish the sentence. Go on…you know you want to.

Finished?  Great!  Welcome back.

Now, here is a look at how the Webster’s Dictionary defines “love“:

love – noun \ˈləv\

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of affection <give her my love>

2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>

3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love>

OK, the first thing I would like to point out about this definition is that it seems very culturally accurate.  What I mean by this is that Webster’s [purposefully?] puts the NOUN definition of love first.  It’s an affection, attraction, admiration…etc.  Translation…it’s an emotion.  It’s something one feels and given the right set of circumstances that feeling may be very strong, or very weak.

To be fair to Webster’s, they do provide a VERB definition of love as well:

1: to hold dear : cherish

2: to feel a lover’s passion, devotion, or tenderness for b (1) : caress (2) : to fondle amorously (3) : to copulate with

3: to like or desire actively : take pleasure in <loved to play the violin>

This is our modern-day culture’s understanding of love.  Emotion first, act second.  Sadly, as I observe modern-day culture, I think Webster’s has nailed it.  However, once upon a time, our culture was quite different.  In fact, the 1828 Webster’s Dictionary defines “love” like this:

LOVE, v.t. luv. [L. libeo, lubeo. See Lief. The sense is probably to be prompt, free, willing, from leaning, advancing, or drawing forward.]

1. In a general sense to be pleased with; to regard with affection, on account of some qualities which excite pleasing sensations or desire of gratification. We love a friend, on account of some qualities which give us pleasure in his society. We love a man who has done us a favor; in which case, gratitude enters into the composition of our affection. We love our parents and our children, on account of their connection with us, and on account of many qualities which please us. We love to retire to a cool shade in summer. We love a warm room in winter. We love to hear an eloquent advocate. The christian loves his Bible. In short, we love whatever gives us pleasure and delight, whether animal or intellectual; and if our hearts are right, we love God above all things, as the sum of all excellence and all the attributes which can communicate happiness to intelligent beings. In other words, the christian loves God with the love of complacency in his attributes, the love of benevolence towards the interest of his kingdom, and the love of gratitude for favors received.

2. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

3. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. Matt. 22.2.  To have benevolence or good will for. John 3.

Quite a difference isn’t it?  You see, a couple hundred years ago everybody had an understanding that “love” was something to be offered, as well as received.  “Love” was much more than an emotion.  Not only that, but culture as a whole thrived on a Christian worldview.  God was important, very important.  So much so that scripture verses were used to help define certain words.  We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?

OK, we’ve looked at 2012, and then the 1828 [western] understanding of love.  Let’s take the clock back a little further and look at the first century:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Take a moment to look at your definition of “love.”  Which of these three definitions best matches your own?  Did you use love as a noun, or as a verb?  Is it merely emotional, or is there something deeper to it?  If there’s something deeper, what is it?   Where does it come from?  How does it get there?

Regarding your marriage, take the opportunity to evaluate your marriage based only on the 1 Corinthians 13 understanding of love.  Are you loving your spouse by being patient with them?  Are you loving your spouse by showing kindness in all situations?  Are you loving your spouse by honoring him/her?  Are you loving your spouse by…not keeping any record of wrongs?  Knowing that your spouse has done things to hurt you, and may do it again.  Are you continually loving them by not keeping any record of wrongs?  It’s not merely about the emotional aspects of love, it’s about being loving.

This post is a simple introduction on understanding “love”.  We’re going to keep the theme running for a while, and continue to look into other cultures much older than our own to see how they applied “love” in their relationships, and perhaps getter a better understanding of how we can do so in our marriages as well.  Until then, here are some things to think about:

1) Which of these 1 Corinthians definitions of love do you find most difficult?

2) What does it mean to keep no record of wrongs?  What does that look like in a healthy marriage relationship?

3) What one thing can you do today to surprise your spouse in a loving way?  Don’t tell us in the comments below…just go do it!  (But be sure to come back later and write a comment…we’d really like to know!) 

 

Linking with: Women Living Well, To Love Honor and Vacuum

Sex Begins Outside The Bedroom:

Exciting, passionate, exhilarating, satisfying, fun.  These are words which every married couple wants to use to define their sex lives. Often times though other words get in the way; exhausted, boring, busy, frustration, conflict.  When the second of these lists becomes the norm it’s time to think about sex outside the bedroom.  Although a quickie in the shower or a romp in the living room may fit the bill this post is not about logistics of where but rather the preparation.  How you think about sex throughout the day can actually assist or inhibit your sex life.

Thoughts concerning sex are formed over many years of information; some good, some bad.  What happens in marriage then is that as husbands and wives we often have a very different understanding of what sex is or can be. Having brought our own experiences, perceptions and expectations into marriage often causes sex to become a breeding ground for arguments and fights. When discussions about sex lead to fights and disagreements it is most likely due to differing views about the purpose of sex.  Here are some ideas to get you thinking about sex outside the bedroom.

1.  What is the purpose of sex?  What does God have to say about sex?  Taking time to evaluate, study and understand the purposes for which sex was designed will change your life.  Honestly, we believe that if we understood all the purposes and blessings God designed sex to fulfill in our marriages we would never want to miss out.  Read, study, pray, seek out the answers using God’s word as a guide.  Though silence or negative thoughts have been pervasive in much of Christianity, God is not silent about sex and in fact has a great deal to say about the subject.

2.  What inhibitions do I have and why do I have them?  A lot of inhibitions are based on the way we were raised or our past sexual experiences.  When either of those are negative it clouds our understanding about how free and exciting sex can be.  Take time to evaluate how your family of origin thought about sex.  Now take time to look at the difference between that and what you discovered when answering question # 1  (God’s purposes for sex).  If you have past experiences with sex that have left you clouded in your understanding, take all the more time to study and understand what God says about sex then believe it!

3.  What small changes can I make to apply my new understanding of the purposes of sex to my marriage?  The great thing about sex is that the shift from bad sex to great sex is often found first in the mind.  Learning to control the way you think about sex outside the bedroom greatly increases your ability to enjoy what happens inside the bedroom.

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Linking with: The Alabaster Jar Marriage Monday

Communication Check-up

We hope that the last few posts about communication have given you a chance to think more deeply about how communication impacts our marriages.  Communication happens no matter what is going on in our lives so it is important to think about what we are communication, why we are communicating and how we are communicating.

We would encourage you to check out our 30 Day Challenge that provides you with 30 questions to discuss with your spouse.  We have to admit we haven’t checked them all off our list yet but we are working our way through them and enjoying hearing each others answers.

For those of you who feel hopeless in your marriages.  Those who feel there is no possible way that your marriage is going to make it.  We want to encourage you that we believe God provides grace for past mistakes, strength for the present and hope for the future.  A song that was recently introduced at our church was Second Chance by Rend Collective Experiment.  May these words encourage you as an individual and may they give you hope for what can happen in your marriage.

Thanks for reading!