Finding the way out – weary and alone

Weariness.

Weariness is an exceptional liar. Whispering things such as, “You are alone.” “Everyone else’s marriage is going great. We are the only one’s with this struggle.” “There is no hope, stop trying.  You may as well get comfortable with misery.”

Many marriages wear this as a garment. Though it may be uncomfortable and doesn’t fit properly, it remains. No one intentionally keeps company with weariness but when it settles in like a wet blanket, shedding it is not easy and can rarely be done without help. If you find yourself in a weary place right now consider the following thoughts.

• Give voice to your vulnerabilities – Admit that you feel isolated and alone. Admit that you are facing difficult circumstances and that you can’t see your way through. Speaking up about what you are experiencing gives you a voice and finding your voice gives you power over the weariness. Rather than the voice of weariness your own voice will begin to emerge.
• Seek out counsel and wisdom – As you begin to find your voice find a counselor, therapist, mentor or group in which you can share and listen to other voices. Recognition is one step out of weariness but health and wholeness is only possible when the word and thought culture in your mind, heart and marriage become more positive. Your words may accurately relate where you are but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are completely true. Finding people who desire to guide you towards truth and wisdom will help you sort through the lies and truths you are believing and that will benefit your life.
• Receive help graciously – Being willing to receive help often takes more courage and grace than offering to help others. Allow other people to love you by listening to you. Be encouraged by listening to counsel and support offered. Taking steps towards health does not make you inadequate, it proves your desire to live in freedom.

Taking off the garment of weariness will lead to health and freedom in your individual life and in your marriage. Freedom is possible and there are people willing to walk with you along the way.

Yearning For Grace

Want a peak into my day job?

Here it is: Yearing

Now you try describing the vocab word “yearning” to a classroom full of 4th graders. As a substitute teacher that’s exactly what was asked of me (Megan) recently. Honestly, yearning isn’t hard for adults to understand but I wasn’t quite sure how to explain it to a group of 9 & 10 year old’s. The best synonyms I could come up with were longing and desire, not likely the most relevant experience to most of these kids.

Marriage however is filled with yearning. We long for a closer relationship with our spouse, for more time together. We desire a fulfilling and satisfying sex life. We yearn for a healthy, happy and whole marriage. We yearn for love and grace to define and permeate our marriage.

This fall Justin and I spent nine weeks leading a group of couples through Tim Kimmel’s book, Grace Filled Marriage. We had many great discussions, “ah-ha” moments and left knowing some practical things we could actually apply to our marriages. If you are in a place where you find yourself yearning for grace in your marriage I would recommend checking out that book. For today though, here are a few thoughts to consider about grace and marriage.

1.Recognize your own need for grace.

The power of grace comes through recognizing your absolute need for the good news of Jesus Christ and the grace He so freely offers to all who are willing to receive. So much of our lives is spent in selfishness and self-centeredness. Grace provides power to see that it’s not about us at all. To have grace permeate our marriages means recognizing there is not a day that goes by when we are not in need of grace, God’s unmerited favor by which He shows us kindness and mercy.

2. Extend grace out of what you have received from God, not what you want the other person to give.

We all long to receive grace but rarely want to extend grace without believing the other person “deserves” it. That’s the exact opposite of what true grace is. Grace does not consider only oneself but rather considers the needs and desires of the other. Consider offer grace in your tone of voice and the way you touch your spouse. Practice offering gracious acts of service and general kindness. Exchange an attitude of seeking grace into an attitude of generously giving grace and see the changes that can result.

3. Apply grace liberally and see God transform your marriage.

Tim Kimmel says this:

“Grace is the equilibrium we apply to all the conditions and challenges that allow our marital love to improve with age. Grace is the plus sign to counter all negatives inherent in partnership. Grace is the vintage agent to covenant love that otherwise becomes flat. Grace is the deal maker in a “till death do us part” commitment.”

Great marriages are built on people who willingly and continually desire the best for their spouse. This doesn’t happen out of sheer commitment but rather it is based on a relationship with Christ, the One from whom all grace originates. Satisfy that yearning you have for grace by turning to Christ first, then extending the grace you have received to your spouse.

Tidbits: Intimacy in the fast lane

Here at Do Not Disturb Blog we want to provide encouraging, helpful and practical ideas to strengthen your marriage in three core areas: friendship, unity and intimacy. Growth in any of these areas won’t occur without concentrated efforts and a certain amount of quality and quantity time. However, we believe that doing small things on a regular basis has the ability to make a big difference. From time to time we want to offer “tidbits” (small suggestions) to give you ideas of how to connect with your spouse.

For today we offer our first ever tidbit for intimacy in the fast lane.

Consider discovering or creating sexual nostalgia with your spouse.

Sexual nostalgia is the term we use to encourage couples to create sexual memories together. Whether it’s a place you longingly remember having sex, a position or perhaps even a tantalizing scent, creating sexual nostalgia with your spouse can be a quick way to get yourself thinking about your spouse sexually and about the next time you will connect.

Why not give it a try tonight. Give a long, passionate kiss in the hallway. Have a good old fashioned make out session on the couch. Do something even more spicy in the bedroom then use your memory to recall that connection tomorrow, and the next day and the next. That memory will become sexual nostalgia for your marriage, a great way to connect intimately with your spouse.

Encouragement: Giving

Growing your friendship is one of the most important things you can do for your marriage. And one of the best steps you can take to increase your friendship is to appreciate your spouse on a regular basis. Simply taking time to recognize the little things they do and making mention of it can go a long way.

However, we’ve talked to a number of couples who struggle with encouraging one another in marriage. The struggle usually has the possibility of two sides, 1. a spouse who doesn’t know how to genuinely encourage and compliment their spouse and/or 2. a spouse who doesn’t know how to receive and accept the compliments from their spouse.

Today we are going to share a few ideas about how to compliment and appreciate your spouse.

1. Be Specific – Consider the “why” not just the “what”

There’s a reason a declaration of “You’re amazing!” from Justin never really satisfies me as much as “The way you keep our house running means so much to me.” Specificity! The more specific a compliment is, the bigger the benefit. If you are a person who struggles to know how to compliment and encourage your spouse, look at the things they do and uncover the reason why they do them.

2. Be genuine – No flattery allowed!

Right along with being specific is being genuine. Time and time again we talk with couples in which the husband tries to tell the woman that she is beautiful but she just won’t believe it. We will talk more about how to receive compliments tomorrow but want to add this, a wife wants to know why she is beautiful. “You are the most gorgeous woman” is harder for most women to accept than, “The way your hips sway side to side is the most gorgeous movement I’ve ever seen.” The intent is the same in both cases but one sounds more like flattery than a specific and genuine reflection of the heart. Discovering how to be more genuine with your words takes some trial and error to see what works best for your spouse. But keep at it.  It may take some time, but you’ll continually learn what speaks love to your spouse.

3. Be Consistent

“Sometimes” and “Once in awhile” don’t count here. If you want to build your friendship and live in an encouraging marriage consistency is key. Recently, The Generous Wife offered a marriage challenge to “tell your husband one thing you love and admire about him”. She encouraged wives to do this everyday for a week. Building words of encouragement, specific compliments and genuine appreciation into the culture of your marriage will grow your marriage. Set up reminders for yourself. Be quick to compliment in the moment rather than waiting till later when your more likely to forget. Be a good at noticing things both big and small.

Every friendship needs encouragement and every marriage needs friendship. Learning how to make encouragement a regular part of your marriage will strengthen and sustain your marriage.

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1. Have you learned how your spouse best receives compliments?

2. What is one compliment he/she hasn’t heard in a long time? How you can creatively, and genuinely communicate to him/her this week?

Intentional Sex?

For many people this definition isn’t exactly what they would consider passionate or romantic. Yet, we believe there is a certain appeal to intentional sex. Here are three quick reasons why it might be beneficial to be more intentional about sex in your marriage.

1. You just may find yourself having more sex.

One of the biggest libido zappers and road blocks to a satisfying sex life is being overwhelmed, tired and stressed out. Plopping into bed with only the thought of sleep is pretty common. Perhaps sex is on the mind of one spouse but the other is just too tired and wants a rain check….regularly. Being intentional about sex (read: not legalistic) can benefit the overworked and over tired couple.

If you intend to connect with your spouse in the evening you can choose to think about it all day. You can practice mindfulness in how you use your energy, choosing to save some for the bedroom. Intending to have sex at the end of the day can be a good incentive and can be considered a reward.

2. You may find yourself more present during sex.

Preparing your mind and schedule for sex can serve to help clear your mind in order to help you be more present during sex. You’ve already thought through the pressing daily activities, you’ve made it through your day and you know what to expect tonight. If you find it helpful, spend time in conversation with your spouse to release the remnant stray thoughts but if you’ve spent your day thinking about and preparing for sex, chances are there are less mental worries pressuring your mind.

3. Having sex more regularly with a greater sense of presence can produce a positive sexual cycle.

You’ve intentionally made time for sex. You’ve cleared your mind and schedule to connect. You’ve made an effort to be more aware and present during sex. Chances are, if you’ve done these things sex was more fulfilling and satisfying. The more fulfilling and satisfying sex is the more you may want it. Keeping the positive cycle going because of intention, sounds like a good idea.

“…if we’re not intentional about pursuing God’s best for our marriages, and grasping the tremendous role intimacy plays in that relationship, what was intended to be deeply enjoyed – a passionate, life giving love affair…alight with laughter, fiercely protected, and drenched in freedom – becomes a stuffy, awkward thing to be endured.” ~ Joy McMillan

Word Culture in Marriage

The words hung in the air. The kind of words that you regret as soon as they leave your mouth.

“Why? Why? Why did I just say that?”

Next to me sat the person who received the cut from the careless utterances, my husband.  I (Megan) know the great power of words yet I still mess up, I still get it wrong.  I know the sting of causing my husband, whom I love, pain.  Everyone who is married can relate.  Words have a way of getting away from us and those same words have an incredible power to affect our spouse deeply.

Assuming that you are as much a work in progress as I am, I wanted to share a few ideas about how to consider the power of the words we use in our marriages.

1. Become aware of the word culture in your marriage.

How much time do you spend speaking encouraging words to or about your spouse? So many times there are things we find endearing and enjoyable about our spouse but do we take time to share those things with our life partner? Never take for granted that your spouse “knows how you feel.” Give them assurances about how much you love them. There is a time and a place to talk to your spouse about changes that may be necessary, but building up your spouse on a regular basis will make those difficult conversations easier. Don’t underestimate the importance of complimenting and reminding your spouse of specific things you love, admire and enjoy about them.

What about the way you speak of relationships outside your marriage? Awareness is just one step towards understanding the word culture in your marriage. It is possible that you and your spouse speak well of each other yet maintain a negative attitude and speech pattern about other people in your life. While there is a time for “venting” and being vulnerable about frustrations and difficulties we face in life, trying to maintain a positive attitude about others will increase the positive affect in your own marriage.

2. Increase positivity in the speech patterns you uncover.

If you uncovered a pattern of speaking negatively about your spouse or others on a regular basis come up with concrete ways to change the bad habit. When you catch yourself becoming negative, complaining or being overly critical about your spouse or someone else, take a time out. What other factors are adding to the negativity? Are you tired, stressed out, feeling rejected or overwhelmed? These factors impact the way you speak and are often the root cause of what comes hurtling out of your mouth. The more in touch you become with why you are saying things the better able you are to make changes in your speech patterns.

3. Accept imperfect progress.(because after all, it is progress!)

Don’t be surprised by the internal resistance to changing speech patterns. Learning to be encouraging, affirming and positive with the words we speak is no easy task. There will be setbacks and missteps. Remembering that imperfect progress is better than no progress is important. When mistakes are made, taking responsibility and making mental notes to work on it benefit and build unity in marriage.

Learning to accept and offer grace continually is the backbone of a great marriage. Words become the vehicle through which grace can navigate into the unreached areas of our lives. Speak life into your marriage and keep working on it even when setbacks come your way.

 How about you? What are ways you have found that help you keep positive speech patterns in your marriage?

 

Pause

In 2014 Justin and I (Megan) hit the pause button quite a bit in our life. We paused from writing here, paused from involvement in extra groups and activities, paused from pressuring ourselves to be something or do something we didn’t believe would help us heal, grow or rejuvenate our soul. You see, 2014 was a year of incredible loss, grief and sorrow for us. With the loss of four family members and increasingly strained relationships, we knew the things we experienced were and had changed us but we needed time to catch up and respond to those changes.

I attended a conference which featured Geri Scazzero author of The Emotionally Healthy Woman. The great thing about attending a conference is the off chance that you are able to connect with or speak to the speaker. Geri was available to listen to my story for a few minutes and encouraged that silence would be an important part of moving forward. This just confirmed that indeed, hitting the pause button and taking extended times in reflective thought, prayer and silence was necessary for me.

Hitting the Pause button is not looked upon favorably in our culture. We are pressured to do more, be more, become more. Pausing seems counter intuitive to actually accomplishing anything. Taking a look at the most common new years resolutions would seem to prove that we are obsessed with doing more, setting lofty and often unattainable goals. While the underlining goals may well be positive and healthy, the pressure we add to our lives as a result is anything but.

I would like to suggest that maybe, just maybe, the healthiest thing you could do this year would be to pause more. Pause from the pressure to become more or do more. Pause from the expectations that you put on yourself and others. Pause from the insatiable need to figure it all out. There is no doubt that marriage takes work and effort. There are things, little things you can do each day to strengthen your marriage. However, great growth occurs when you regularly take time to pause. Pausing gives you time to reflect on what is working and what needs to be fine tuned. Pausing can provide just enough quiet and calm for you to hear your own thoughts. Consider how pausing on a regular basis could impact your life and your marriage.

Marriage Challenge: Explore, Discover

“You don’t do that very often, I like it.” He said with a wink.

“How could I not have known.” I thought to myself.

After nearly 14 years of marriage I (Megan) love it when I discover new things about my husband.  It gives me a giddy feeling that there are still heights and depths which I have not yet become familiar. Each time I learn something new it brings about the opportunity to love more and connect more deeply with the man I married.

Marriage is like that, full of things that surprise us and mysteries we don’t understand. The only way to uncover these mysteries though is to explore, to take the opportunity to engage and discover what we may not already know.  Today’s marriage challenge is to explore your spouse in order to discover something new. Use questions, observations, experiences, physical touch and the like to fuel your understanding of your spouse. Explore, notice and discover your way to a better marriage.

Marriage Strong, Energy Poor

We started off the year being transparent about the struggles 2013 brought into our lives. Despite the turmoil the past year brought, we determined to make 2014 The Year of Friendship. We did this for a specific reason, we knew 2014 was likely to bring about a fair share of struggles of its own.  We were right.

February has brought grief and pain into our lives in the form of loss. I (Megan) lost my mother (age 63) on February 7th. An incredible legacy but a heavy loss for my heart. This past week we also lost Justin’s grandmother. A woman with whom we we were very close and visited regularly.  The pain and grief of these losses has left us raw and tired. The most common question asked of us right now is, “How are you doing?” and let me tell ya, that’s a doozie of a question. Truth is, we are comforted and well supported. We are also sad, grieving and exhausted. However, when it comes to our marriage I describe that we are marriage rich despite being energy poor.

Maybe you can relate, your marriage is strong even though you are physically and emotionally spent. Maybe for you that is wishful thinking, you can’t imagine having a strong marriage during your most difficult season. Today I want to share three things that are keeping our marriage strong during this trying and difficult time.

1. Words

Words of encouragement, comfort, support and reassurance are necessary during times of deep hurt. The words can come in form of cards, notes or be spoken but, whatever the form, using words to build up your spouse is essential to a strong marriage.

2. Actions

Sometimes even words can’t soothe the heartache of the ones we love most. During those times it’s important to show our support of them through actions that speak where words are inadequate. A listening ear, a long hug, a comforting meal, a trip to the store – all of these actions and so many more can strengthen your marriage.

In addition, lowering the “normal” expectations of what your spouse may be able to accomplish with their time is an action of love. Around our house, laundry is getting done but may not always make it to the state of being put away properly. Meals are being eaten together, but may be of the variety of store bought goods and sides as opposed to my normal more healthy and frugal meals. The burden to keep up with all of life while processing difficult circumstances is oppressive but as a spouse, we can speak with loving actions when we let go of expectations and allow our spouse to feel supported regardless of the disruption to “normal”. A new normal will settle in but patience and support until that time makes a marriage thrive during the interim.

3. Space

Not to be disregarded, even in a one flesh marriage, it is important to allow our spouse space to process. Just as a garden does not bloom within hours of the seeds being planted, a spouse cannot process and heal without some space and time. Healthy amounts of togetherness and separateness during difficult seasons is important. Be observant, patient and sensitive to what your spouse needs most. If your spouse needs you to be there, then be there. If they need some alone time to cry, sleep, write, grant them that space.  The garden will grow, not from force, but from the space to receive the nutrients essential to support it’s growth.

Of course our faith in God and our Savior Jesus Christ is giving us the greatest amount of strength and comfort during this time, but on a practical level, words, actions and space are the ways our marriage is being nurtured.  These elements can strengthen marriages in all situations and can be applied in many close relationships.

Difficult times will come in every marriage and these are just a few thoughts on how to sustain health and strength. Feel free to share how you strengthen your marriage when difficulties (especially those outside of the marriage relationship) arise.

 

Marriage Chellenge: Saving Yourself for Marriage

Modern society is constantly beckoning for us to do more and be more. We are a busy generation and are regularly worn out from our own best efforts. Not being sensitive of our time and our personal limitations impacts our marriages. We readily give of ourselves to our jobs, our community and a variety of other things but our marriage? Often times our spouse gets the leftovers. We don’t save ourselves for marriage.

How about a date night? I can fit you in 3 months from now.

Let’s connect sexually tonight? We can have fun as long as you do all the work. I don’t mind.

Can we at least sit down to dinner? Ok, so long as I can keep my cell phone on and tablet open.

Today’s marriage challenge is to save yourself for marriage. Don’t continue to spend the best of yourself everywhere but at home.  Save the best of yourself for the most important relationship you have, your marriage.

Marriage is for life. If we regularly neglect putting the required time and effort into something so important, what is designed to be beautiful will become a burden. What is meant to be lifelong friendship and companionship will become forced cohabitation. So yes, saving yourself for marriage is not just for unmarried people, it’s for those of us who are already married too.