encouragement | Do Not Disturb

Growing your friendship is one of the most important things you can do for your marriage. And one of the best steps you can take to increase your friendship is to appreciate your spouse on a regular basis. Simply taking time to recognize the little things they do and making mention of it can go a long way.

However, we’ve talked to a number of couples who struggle with encouraging one another in marriage. The struggle usually has the possibility of two sides, 1. a spouse who doesn’t know how to genuinely encourage and compliment their spouse and/or 2. a spouse who doesn’t know how to receive and accept the compliments from their spouse.

Today we are going to share a few ideas about how to compliment and appreciate your spouse.

1. Be Specific – Consider the “why” not just the “what”

There’s a reason a declaration of “You’re amazing!” from Justin never really satisfies me as much as “The way you keep our house running means so much to me.” Specificity! The more specific a compliment is, the bigger the benefit. If you are a person who struggles to know how to compliment and encourage your spouse, look at the things they do and uncover the reason why they do them.

2. Be genuine – No flattery allowed!

Right along with being specific is being genuine. Time and time again we talk with couples in which the husband tries to tell the woman that she is beautiful but she just won’t believe it. We will talk more about how to receive compliments tomorrow but want to add this, a wife wants to know why she is beautiful. “You are the most gorgeous woman” is harder for most women to accept than, “The way your hips sway side to side is the most gorgeous movement I’ve ever seen.” The intent is the same in both cases but one sounds more like flattery than a specific and genuine reflection of the heart. Discovering how to be more genuine with your words takes some trial and error to see what works best for your spouse. But keep at it. It may take some time, but you’ll continually learn what speaks love to your spouse.

3. Be Consistent

“Sometimes” and “Once in awhile” don’t count here. If you want to build your friendship and live in an encouraging marriage consistency is key. Recently, The Generous Wife offered a marriage challenge to “tell your husband one thing you love and admire about him”. She encouraged wives to do this everyday for a week. Building words of encouragement, specific compliments and genuine appreciation into the culture of your marriage will grow your marriage. Set up reminders for yourself. Be quick to compliment in the moment rather than waiting till later when your more likely to forget. Be a good at noticing things both big and small.

Every friendship needs encouragement and every marriage needs friendship. Learning how to make encouragement a regular part of your marriage will strengthen and sustain your marriage.

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1. Have you learned how your spouse best receives compliments?

2. What is one compliment he/she hasn’t heard in a long time? How you can creatively, and genuinely communicate to him/her this week?

Relationships require work. The fact that life is constantly changing proves that our relationships are also changing. Neither Justin nor I are the same person we were when we married and we’ve accepted that. Certainly there are parts of our core personalities and values that remain but there are rough edges that have smoothed. There are soft places that have solidified. There are parts that were formless that have taken shape together, as one. None of those things happened immediately and every one of them is still in progress. There is much work yet to be done.

I imagine your relationships and marriage are the same. Change is forced by circumstances, trials and adversity. The work relationships require is cyclical. Just when one thing seems to be going well, something else is coming around the corner. It’s possible to find seasons of rest and well being but oftentimes they don’t last very long. Busyness strikes. Betrayal happens. Illness invades. Such is life.

The only comfort that relieves and revives in situations of change is the comfort of turning things over to God. The brokenness of the world we live in crashes hard in to each of our lives. It’s not a matter of “if” it will happen, it’s a matter of “when”. Learning to trust our marriages, our sex life, our parenting, our relationships to God is the ultimate exercise in faith. This is the greatest work we can do. Our blog, and many others, provide practical information on how to work on communication, forgiveness, creativity, and sex, but the greatest work any person can do is to yield to God. To accept that a life well lived is a life of surrender to the One Who knew you before you were even born.

If you are feeling helpless today, allow God to help. If the work you are doing in any area of your life seems to be getting you nowhere, yield to God who can make all things new. There is beauty from mess awaiting every person who calls out to God. That beauty may not evidence itself in the exact way or time we expect but it is possible. God takes brokenness aside and makes it beautiful. Will you allow Him to do that in your situation today?

The lyrics from “Brokenness Aside” by All Sons and Daughters inspired this post. The entire album is deeply ministering to me right now.